Thou Shalt Build a Winning Team

Well, today's the day.  It's the final day of our "10 Commandments Tuesday" series.  These past 10 weeks have been so good for me as I have been able to read and convey the principles of this book to you.  I hope that you have been able to take away something to practice in your own marriage.  This week's commandment is

Thou Shalt Build a Winning Team

"It is not good for man to be alone;  I will make a helper suitable for him."

Genesis 2:18

God intended for man and woman to join together and become "one flesh."  They are supposed to be united and on the same team.  So how do we build a winning team?  Well, here are some components for a winning marriage team:

1.  The Eternal Architect

God designed marriage.  He made it to be a perfect union.  However, sin has made a huge dent in that union and if not careful, can completely ruin it.  But knowing who the Architect is and following his instructions, we can still build a winning team.

2.  The Right Coach

Jesus is our coach who not only tells us what to do, but also shows us.  Ed says, "The staggering reality is that a husband and wife who have individually invited Christ into their lives "have the mind of Christ" (1 Corinthians 2:16).  All the treasures of Christ's mind are now in the spirit of the person in whom He dwells.  The issue is accessing what we already have and putting it to practical use."  The more we intimately walk with Christ, more of His wisdom and knowledge we'll gain.  The more His wisdom is gained, the more the relationship grows.

3.  The Players
"God has recruited us as players for His Kingdom's purposes.  When we allow Jesus Christ to be our Coach, He can take our most ordinary talents and abilities and do extraordinary things with them.  Without Christ on our side, we can do nothing.  But with Christ on our side, we have all the talent we need to build a winning marriage team."

4.  The Intangibles
Goal setting, commitment, discipline, togetherness are all examples of the necessary intangibles in marriage.  When you are working together on the same team, with the same goals in mind, you're strengthening your marriage.

5.  Fan Support
Encouragement is a necessity in marriage, whether it comes from family, friends, kids, coworkers, church family, etc.  These people are to help encourage you in your marriage.  They are to support you and to be there for you.  So it's important as you choose those friends in  life, to choose ones who will encourage and support you.  These people should also teach and minister God's Word.

Reflecting on Your Relationship:

1. If your marriage were indeed a college football team, where would it be ranked?
   -We're in the top five, vying for the championship.
   -We're in the top ten, thrown for a loss once in a while, but we're a winning team.
   -We win some, we lose some, but we could be a lot better.
   -We're losing more than we win; we don't let the Coach lead us in the day-to-day party of our marriage.
2. In what areas does your mate need some "coaching?"  What about you?
3. How does your family and friends provide "fan support" for your marriage?
4. What is the greatest strength of your marriage team?

I'm so glad you stuck with me through this 10 week series.  I hope you learned something that you can put into practice in your own marriage.  In what ways have you been challenged?  In what ways do you feel affirmed?  If you feel comfortable, would you share?

If you missed any part of the series, you can catch up here:

Part 1: Thou Shalt Not Be a Selfish Pig

Part 2: Thou Shalt Cut the Apron Strings

Part 3: Thou Shalt Continually Communicate

Part 4: Thou Shalt Make Conflict Thy Ally

Part 5:  Thou Shalt Avoid the Quicksand of Debt

Part 6: Thou Shalt Flee Sexual Temptation--Online and Otherwise

Part 7:  Thou Shalt Forgive Thy Mate--490 Times and More

Part 8:  Thou Shalt Keep the Home Fires Burning

Part 9:  Thou Shalt Begin Again and Again

Thou Shalt Begin Again and Again

Well, we're nearing the end of this series.  I've enjoyed reading this book and posting.  Have you?  What have you learned?  Are you putting anything into practice?  Well, if you haven't found anything to work on yet, try this one.  This week's commandment is

Thou Shalt Begin Again and Again

It's true.  50% of all marriages end in divorce.  That is a sad, sad, sad statistic.  But it's very real in today's society.  You either decide to work on your marriage, or you decide to give up on it.  Many people get married thinking that if it doesn't work out, they can always get out of it.  That if they disagree about something, they don't have to work it out.  Instead, they can just "make it go away."  That is not how God intended marriage to be.

But how do we stop this cycle?

Malachi 2:16 says,

"'I hate divorce,' says the Lord God of Israel, 'and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,' says the Lord Almighty.

So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith."

God hates divorce.  He says it right there.  But in today's society, it's the norm.  Is there something that we can do to prevent it?

Yes.

Give each other second chances.  And third chances, and fourths, and fifths, and so on.  God is a God of second chances, so why shouldn't we give each other more than one chance?  We are human.  We mess up.  We sure as heck aren't going to get marriage right on the first try. I am redeemed by Him.  He makes my imperfections, my hurt, my damaged heart into something new, fresh, and alive!  If He can do that with me, then I know He can do that with you.  And he can definitely do that with any marriage.

In the book, Ed gives 6 principles for beginning again and again.  I'd like to share them with you, if that's alright.

1.  Acceptance.

"Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God."  Romans 15:7

We are to accept one another, flaws and all.  After all, that's how Jesus accepted me.  He accepted all of me, unconditionally.  Sometimes this is a stretch.  But pray and ask God to help you accept your mate, just as they are.  God made them, and He made you.  He made us all in the image of Himself.  We must learn to accept one another as they are, unconditionally, because that's how Jesus accepts us.

2.  Attention.

"Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart."  

1 Peter 1:22

What would you have done in a dating relationship if your guy always wanted to hang out with his friends?  He only wanted to hang out with you on Fridays, but all the other days he wanted to hang with his friends.  You would have left because you didn't feel like he was giving you the attention you deserved, right?  Same here...giving your mate attention is like telling them you love them without actually saying those words.  There are so many ideas on how to pay attention to your mate:  compliment them, call them, buy them a gift, encourage them.  This might help you start at the beginning again and again.

3.  Adjustment.

"And be subject to one another in the fear of Christ."

Ephesians 5:21

Many people get married thinking that they can change their mate.  Uh, wrong!!  You can't change anyone.  But you can change yourself!  When you submit to one another, to each other's needs, wants, goals, desires, we'll have a happy marriage.  I've heard many a times, "I can't change...it's the way I am," THAT'S A LIE STRAIGHT FROM THE DEVIL HIMSELF.  Just keepin' it real, people.  You can change, and sometimes we have to pray and ask God to help us change.  To help us get over our selfishness and inflexibility.  When you have the right mindset, God will change your heart, and in turn it may change your spouse.

4.  Amnesty.

"Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you."

Ephesians 4:32

Forgiveness is one of the key ingredients to making a marriage work.  When you tell the other person that you forgive them (and really mean it), it means that you've canceled their debts and wrongdoings.  However, amnesty really means that you make the other person innocent of all their wrongdoings.  You let it go, like it never happened.  And if you're like me, this is a step that I have to begin again and again.

5.  Appreciation.

"Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing."

1 Thessalonians 5:11

We have to encourage each other, and when encouragement happens, appreciation happens. But we also have to build one another up.  Our bodies are temples, and we must build each other up so that we have layers and layers of value in our temples.  Ed states, "Think of what happens when you buy and improve a piece of property.  It increases in value;  its value appreciates.  The same thing happens when we encourage and build up our mates."  We need to do this on a daily basis.

6.  Affection.

"The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband."

1 Corinthians 7:3

Affection is not meant for just a woman or just a man.  It's something that each person needs. However, the wife's need for affection is strong.  So strong, in fact, that if she doesn't receive it, it can be what causes an extramarital affair.  Affection is to a woman as sex is to a man.  But affection is what sets the "atmosphere" of the relationship, if you will.  It's important to meet each other's needs in this area.

Keep on, keepin' on.  When both partners are committed to each other forever, it's a beautiful thing.  I'm so thankful to have seen my grandparents and parents stay committed to each other.  My grandparents were married over 50 years, and my parents have almost been married 30 years.  Growing up, I always knew my parents would work things out.  Divorce wasn't a word that was allowed in our house.  I was glad to know that at an early age, so I didn't have to worry.  It's something that Tyler and I practice too.  We know that no matter what, we're committed to each other.  Forever.  Til death do us part.  But it's also a work-in-progress.  We have to always be bettering ourselves, working on ourselves, and working on our marriage.  You have to work at marriage, no matter who you married.  


Questions to reflect on this week:

1. What three things would you differently if you could start your marriage over?
2. Which of the six steps to "beginning again" does your marriage need the most?  Explain.
3. Would you consider your marriage warm and loving, hot and cold, or dry and barren?  In what ways?
4. Have you hugged your husband or wife today?

Missed a post?  You can catch up here:

Part 1: Thou Shalt Not Be a Selfish Pig

Part 2: Thou Shalt Cut the Apron Strings

Part 3: Thou Shalt Continually Communicate

Part 4: Thou Shalt Make Conflict Thy Ally

Part 5:  Thou Shalt Avoid the Quicksand of Debt

Part 6: Thou Shalt Flee Sexual Temptation--Online and Otherwise

Part 7:  Thou Shalt Forgive Thy Mate--490 Times and More

Part 8:  Thou Shalt Keep the Home Fires Burning

Thou Shalt Keep the Home Fires Burning

Well, after taking a break from our 10 Commandments Tuesday series, I'm back with week 7's chapter!   This week's commandment is

Thou Shalt Keep the Home Fires Burning.

This chapter discussed the stages of marriage that each couple goes through.  There are three stages that are discussed:

1.  The Honeymoon Stage--almost every couple goes through this stage.  Remember how it was when you first started dating your spouse?  You couldn't stay away from each other.  You had to see them every day.  They were perfect in your eyes.  At this stage, the fire is burning brightly.

2.  The Party's Over Stage--this stage happens when you realize that your significant other isn't perfect.  You have the opportunity to see the person for who he/she really is.  You don't have to be around them every waking moment, and they definitely aren't perfect.

In this stage, each couple must make a choice:  choose to stick it out, opt for divorce, do what it takes to make marriage happy and healthy.  

3.  The Best Is Yet to Be Stage--When you decide to make marriage happy and healthy, you get to this stage, which is supposedly the best of all {How would I know?  I've only been married for a year and a halfish}.  This is the stage of mature love.  The love withstands all odds.  Absolutely nothing can destroy this kind of love.

Mature love.  What is it?  Well, Ed gives some great examples that I'd like to share:

• Patient.  I put up with the imperfections of my mate.
• Kind.  I perform acts of kindness for the other person.
• Joyful with truth.  My love grows out of a base of honesty and integrity.
• Trusting.  I believe in the best from my spouse.
• Full of Home.  I hope for the best from and for my mate.
• Enduring.  My love lasts through even the toughest of times.

Mature love is not:

• Jealous.  Instead, it rests secure.
• Boastful.  Instead, it refrains from building itself up.
• Arrogant.  Instead, it humbles itself.
• Self-seeking.  Instead, it puts a spouse's need and desires first.
• Angry.  Instead, it refrains from rash outbursts.
• Looking for paybacks.  Instead, it forgives, even when treated wrongly.

Most of all...love never fails.  Always there to support your spouse.

Here are three tips on working toward a mature love {read the book for a more details}:

1. Speak Blessings.

2. Open up and Confess.

3. Change yourself, not your mate.

I think these three things need to be worked on, no matter the person.  Sometimes we can get wrapped up in the mundane day-to-day things and we forget.  All we want to do is what is on our to-do list so that we can relax.  Making an effort in your marriage will bless it, even if that means taking 10 minutes out of every day and telling your spouse what you admire about them, talking with them, or reading the Bible together.

This chapter is really good, and I highly recommend reading it so that you can get the full effect from it.

Also, to become mature, be...

Motivated

Attentive

Tender

Understanding

Respectful

Excited

Questions for this week:

1. How important is it to you to "work" in making your marriage a happy, passionate, loving one?  Explain.
2. In what stage of marriage are you today?  What steps do you need to take to move on to the next stage?
3. Do you consider your marriage a loving, passionate one now?  Explain.  What can you do to make it so?
4. In what areas of MATURE love are you strong?  Explain.  Where are you weak, and what can you do about it, starting today?

It's been a couple weeks, but if you missed a post, you can catch up here:

Part 1: Thou Shalt Not Be a Selfish Pig

Part 2: Thou Shalt Cut the Apron Strings

Part 3: Thou Shalt Continually Communicate

Part 4: Thou Shalt Make Conflict Thy Ally

Part 5:  Thou Shalt Avoid the Quicksand of Debt

Part 6: Thou Shalt Flee Sexual Temptation--Online and Otherwise

Part 7:  Thou Shalt Forgive Thy Mate--490 Times and More

Thou Shalt Forgive Thy Mate--490 Times and More

Forgiveness.  That's a hard word to swallow sometimes, isn't it?  I have to admit that I'm not the best at it.  It's something that I work on daily.  This week's commandment was

Thou Shalt Forgive Thy Mate--490 Times and More

I don't know about you, but forgiveness isn't something that I just love to talk about.  And I don't think many people do talk about it.  It should be talked about, however, because God forgives me and you on a regular basis.

Ed shares, "How can we best deal with the imperfections, flaws, and sins that take place within our marriages?  The operative word has to be 'forgiveness.'  We all need to cultivate a lifestyle of forgiveness, a mind-set that forgives consistently and unconditionally."

In the Old Testament, there's an example of forgiveness that's amazing.  Hosea was asked to marry a promiscuous woman named Gomer.  They had three children and then she decided to leave after having numerous affairs.  She eventually sold herself as a prostitute, and ended up as a slave.  When the master put her up for auction, the only person who bid on her was Hosea.  I'm sure this took a lot for Hosea to do.  If you could imagine that happening to you, would you bid on your spouse to take them back?

God calls us to forgive.  In fact, in Matthew 18 it gives us the amount of times we should forgive.

"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, 'Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?'   Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven.'"

Ed says, "Here's what happens:  If you forgive someone 490 times, somewhere around number 300 you get in the habit of forgiveness.  Forgiveness is to be habitual, a practice that becomes second nature."

**70 times 7 is 490 times.

He also says, "A marriage is not so much the union of two great lovers as it is of two great forgivers.  Great marriages are made up of two people who have committed themselves to daily forgiving one another."

That is so true!  We have to forgive each other daily for the big AND small things.  I, personally, know that forgiving is hard to do.  A little over a year ago, I started on my journey to forgiving.  I was a selfish college student, who needed to let go of her burdens.  Since then, I've been trying to let go of everything that I've been hurt by.  I'm a work-in-progress.  I'm not perfect...forgiving has always been a struggle of mine, but I'm not going to use it as an excuse.

Some people think they will never, ever be able to forgive someone who has hurt them deeply.  Some people think they will never forgive the person who abused them.  Some people think they just don't have to forgive anyone.  I'm here to tell you otherwise.

You CAN forgive that person.  It's just not a one time deal of forgiveness.  It's a day to day or month to month thing.  It's both an act and a process.

Ed gives us four reasons of why we should forgive and I'd like to share them with you.

1.  God commands us to forgive.  My parents always told us, "BYKOTA" growing up.  It stood for "Be ye kind one to another."  That comes from a verse in the Bible, though.  Ephesians 4:32 says, "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

2.  Forgiveness is part of the character of God.  He forgives us unconditionally.  We don't deserve His forgiveness, yet He gives it to us anyway.  And I don't know about you, but I think I've passed the 490 mark...I'm pretty sure that number is up there at like 4,900,000,000,000 times or more!!

3.  Forgiveness is good for us.  When we're hurt, sometimes we choose to bury that deep within ourselves.  We allow that hurt to grow and it turns into bitterness.  Before we know it, that person who hurt us, is controlling our feelings and how we act.  Only when you give that pain and hurt to God, will you be able to start the process of forgiveness.  And when you truly forgive that person, you will be free.

4.  We forgive so that we, too, will be forgiven.  When we forgive others, we are obeying God.  It is then He will forgive you, too.  The best thing about God's forgiveness?  He doesn't remember our wrongs against Him.  Psalm 103:12 says, "as far as the east is from the west,   so far has he removed our transgressions from us."

Amen.

There is SO much more in this chapter.  I encourage you to read this book!  It would seriously take me forever to write everything here.  It is good.

Questions to think about this week:

1. In what specific areas of marriage do you have the most trouble obeying Jesus' command to forgive "seventy times seven" times?
2. List some of the little things that you need to forgive.
3. What usually blocks your willingness to forgive?
4. Why would God, who is perfect in holiness, allow you into His heaven, even though you have wronged Him with your sin?

Missed a part?  You can catch up here:

Part 1: Thou Shalt Not Be a Selfish Pig

Part 2: Thou Shalt Cut the Apron Strings

Part 3: Thou Shalt Continually Communicate

Part 4: Thou Shalt Make Conflict Thy Ally

Part 5:  Thou Shalt Avoid the Quicksand of Debt

Part 6: Thou Shalt Flee Sexual Temptation--Online and Otherwise

Thou Shalt Flee Sexual Temptation--Online and Otherwise

We've made it to week 6!  How are your marriages or relationships?  Are you using any of this information to encourage you in your relationship with your spouse or significant other?  If so, tell me!  I'd love to know how you've been encouraged along this journey!

This week the commandment is

Thou Shalt Flee Sexual Temptation--Online and Otherwise

Let me tell you...I'm not an expert and I'm only communicating to you what is read in the chapter each week.  I hope to be proactive about my marriage...work on it now where I know it needs work instead of letting it all pile up and then we have to dig through issues later.

**Side note...I had NO EARTHLY IDEA that last week I would write about avoiding debt and today we would be completely DEBT FREE!!!!  God never ceases to amaze me.

Anyway, this week two examples of men were used in this chapter and showed how they dealt with sexual temptation.

David:  David is known as "the man after God's own heart," yet he acted out in his temptation.  If you've not read the story of David and Bathsheba, I encourage you to do so.  David saw a young, beautiful woman bathing, and instead of looking away, he brought her to his home.  He acted on his temptation, she went home, and later he received word that Bathsheba was pregnant.  Instead of accepting his mistake, he tried to cover it up.  When one plan didn't work, he tried the next plan, until Uriah (Bathsheba's husband) was dead.

Joseph:  He served Potiphar, who was on the Pharaoh's staff.  Well, Potiphar's wife kept making trouble for Joseph...she wanted him.  He told her no, but she didn't care.  One day, she grabbed him and demanded that he sleep with her.  He ran straight out of her house, leaving his shirt in Mrs. Potiphar's hands.  She then told her husband, of course and lied about it all.  Joseph got thrown in prison, but only months later did he become second in command, only to answer to Pharaoh and in turn he helped save his country from famine.  You can read Joseph's story here.

These two men demonstrate things that can happen as a result of sexual temptation.  Did you know that it's not a sin to be tempted?  Everyone is tempted.  It's what you do in reaction to that temptation that could be a sin.  Big blessings came as a result of Joseph's actions...fleeing from it.  David, on the other hand, had to deal with some consequences.

"The Bible, both Old and New Testaments, never encourage us to try to avoid struggling with sexual temptation.  It insists that we get out of its path altogether."  Ed Young

God's Designer Sex Plan:
1.  Sex is God's idea.    "He designed it to be an act of joyful pleasure by which a husband and wife bond physically, spiritually, and emotionally--they become one."
2.  Human sexuality is unique.  "Though the world might have us believe that we've evolved to a level just above the animals, God tells us we were created just slightly below the angels."
3.  Sex involves every aspect of our being.  "It creates bonds that are intended for marriage alone...Sex involves total oneness with our mates, just as it did with that first couple:  physically, yes. but also psychologically, emotionally, and mentally."
4.  Sex requires boundaries.  "It's a sacred act between two people committed to one another in the covenant relationship of marriage.  Because of it's sacredness, the expression of love and oneness between a husband and wife must be protected and honored."  Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled.  Hebrews 13:4

Sex symbolizes the love that God has for us, too.  It symbolizes the way that He interacts with His people.  God wants intimacy with each of us.

"How do we protect the sacredness of marriage?  We heed Scripture and flee sexual temptation.  How?  By running from it like a deadly disease, by recognizing the "purity" of sex as God designed it, and by protecting it from the onslaughts of a society that has degraded sex to a passionate 'pastime.'"  Ed Young

If you really want to flee the temptation, then stay off the rooftop.  Learn from David.  It doesn't matter if those "rooftops" are online, at work, in a club...stay off of them.  Run from them.   But what do we run to?  "In order to avoid the dangerous pitfall of sexual temptation and build happy, successful marriages, we need to flee to deep, genuine, and biblical intimacy with our mates."  

There is a WHOLE lot more to this chapter, but I don't have enough time to cover it all.  You really should pick the book up and read it together with your spouse!


This week's reflection questions:

1. Write your definition of sex.  Would your understanding of sex be more in keeping with "designer" sex or "cultural" sex?
2. What "rooftops" tempt you most?  What is your "flight" plan from this temptation?
3. What grade would you give the intimacy (sexual, emotional, and spiritual) in your marriage?  What is one thing you and your mate can do to improve your grade?
4. Is your marriage built on the rock or the sand?  Explain.

Missed a part?  You can catch up here:

Part 1: Thou Shalt Not Be a Selfish Pig

Part 2: Thou Shalt Cut the Apron Strings

Part 3: Thou Shalt Continually Communicate

Part 4: Thou Shalt Make Conflict Thy Ally

Part 5:  Thou Shalt Avoid the Quicksand of Debt

Thou Shalt Avoid the Quicksand of Debt

Well, we're already to chapter 5!  That means we're halfway finished with this series!  This week's commandment was:

Thou Shalt Avoid the Quicksand of Debt

I am very passionate about this topic, not only because I have an accounting degree, but because I've learned a lot about money in the past couple of years, and because I saw a close friend in college drowning in debt.

Let me preface this post with my story and by saying that I am incredibly blessed.  I don't say that to rub it in people's faces, but by acknowledging how much God has given to me.  God blessed my family by giving me an {almost} full ride scholarship to the only University that I wanted to attend...and the only University that I applied to, might I add.  (A few years later, he blessed both of my brothers with the same...to that same University.)

Before marriage, I had never been in debt.  I didn't know what it was like.  I only knew that I never wanted to be in debt.  My parents had taught me how to save, and I became frugal.  When I got married, well, you know what happened. "What's yours is mine and what's mine is yours."  So I became part owner of college debt.  College is expensive and student loans are very common [which I didn't realize until after working 4 years of freshman orientation].  So I got my first taste of what debt feels like.  Can I tell you something?

I hate it.

I do not like knowing that I owe someone money.  I'm not sure why most of Americans do...  However, it's almost paid off. And we will celebrate. :) 

Another thing...my parents never had credit cards while I was growing up, and to this day they still don't have one.  Having parents model what it meant to be a good steward of their money has been a blessing.  They taught me the 10-30-60 method of money.  I can remember when I was probably 6 or 7, we sat down to talk about getting a paycheck.  {Yes, I was slave labor to my father's farm. :)}  But they had talked to me about giving back to God before then...

When we took my paycheck to the bank, I always asked for 10% of it to go into an envelope.  Then, I asked for 30% of that paycheck to go into my savings account.  The rest I got to put into another envelope.  That 10% went to God, which meant that I would take it to church and put it into the offering plate or I would put it in the envelope in my Sunday School class.  My parents always told me, "No matter what, always give back to God."

>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<

A lot of what my parents taught me was in this chapter.  A few things have changed since I'm now "on my own," but the teaching was the same.

We don't own anything.  Ultimately everything is God's.  The paycheck we get on a bi-monthly basis?  Not ours.  The extra income that randomly comes in the mail?  Not ours.  But these days, people, especially Americans, don't have that mentality.  The American Dream is what people seem to want:  big houses, nice cars, the nicest electronics, etc, etc, etc.  But all of that takes money...and when people don't have money, they put it on a credit card to pay later.  Except that "later" gets to be waaaaaay later.  Then they find themselves in debt a mile high.  This is a common cause of divorce.

Ed says, "When we give first place to the Father's agenda, the Son's priorities, and the causes of God's church, we invest in things that last forever"..."If husbands and wives vow that 'Today we are going to readjust, reschedule, replan, reprogram so that we put God's things first,' they would build a mighty wall against the temptation of material possessions that can destroy a marriage and family."

So I mentioned that when I was 7 I had a 10-30-60 plan.  Well, now growing up I have to change that plan...a little bit.  Ed gives the example of a 10-70-20 budget.  He says take 10% of what is left after your tithe and save or invest that amount.  Use 70% for operating expenses {what you live on}, and use the last 20% for debt reduction (if you have debt).  With any financial plan, you must have a budget and stick to it.  This is a smart example of being proactive about paying off any debt you have, and it will also help you get out of debt quicker.

Here are some tips that he gives about overcoming greed, which is a big reason so many people are in debt.  They *think* they need that certain item, so they put it on their plastic square.

1.  Learn the secret of admiring without desiring.  Can you go shopping without seeing something that you've absolutely got to have?  You can still admire and not have a want for it.

2.  Learn the secret of giving away stuff.  Go through your closets and home at the change of every season and give away what you don't wear or use anymore.  Not only is "stuff" included, but money too!

3.  Learn the secret of being generous toward God.  Learning to be generous towards God helps keep greed from your life.

4.  Learn the reality of death in relationship to things.  When you learn to focus on eternity, things aren't as important.  You can't take anything with you to heaven.

It's important to understand that, "When your money leaves your hand and gets into your heart, that's when you're in the greatest danger of sinking into the quicksand of debt."  Don't let it get that far.  Using the tips above, you can overcome greed which will help keep you from debt.

"Jesus said we are to seek first God's kingdom, and the things we need will come as a result of such prioritizing."  God will always take care of your needs when you trust Him.  When you give back to Him more than you have to give, He will be there to give you your needs.

Hebrews 13:5 says,

^"Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, 

'Never will I leave you;never will I forsake you.'"

Don't let the thought of becoming rich overtake the importance of giving back to God.  "When our spiritual wealth lags behind our physical wealth, we have too much money.  When our commitment to God, His Word, and the church comes in second place behind our commitment to material things, we've gone too far and outdistanced the amount of money we should hang on to."

Sometimes we wonder why we don't even have enough money to make ends meet.  

Matthew 25:21 says,

"...You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things."

If you're struggling, give the situation to God.  Many people don't give the tithe when they are struggling because they need that extra money to take care of their bills.  I would challenge you.  Give your tithe first, and then you will find that God will take care of the rest.    Maybe you're not struggling at all.  "When God gives us more than the basics, He wants to use our abundance as a blessing to others, for His Kingdom--for things that will last forever.  And the man or woman who does not realize this is a fool, by God's own definition."

One last thing...people are more important than money.  This is the one thing that I've been learning for the last couple of years.  Money is just something to help make life a little easier. But to hoard it all for yourself is selfish.  Does it matter in the grand scheme of things if I was a millionaire?  Does it matter if I had enough money to get by and then some?  Does it matter if I helped the homeless person on the side of the road by giving him a Blessing Bag?  Does it matter if I bought a friend lunch that really needed some encouragement?  In the big picture, you can't take money or things with you to heaven, but you can take people.

Being in debt can really hinder a marriage.  Finances are one of the biggest reasons for conflict and divorce.  But you don't have to wait until you are drowning in debt to do something about it.  Be proactive.  Communicate.  Make a plan.

1 Timothy 6:10 (NIV84) says,

^"For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs."

Questions from this week's chapter:

1. What is the driving force of debt in your family?
2. What purchase are you currently considering that would increase your debt?  Why do you need it?
3. What percentage of your income are you giving to the church?
4. How much is your current credit card debt?  Noncredit card debt?  What steps are you taking to get out of debt?

Missed a part?  You can catch up here:

Part 1: Thou Shalt Not Be a Selfish Pig

Part 2: Thou Shalt Cut the Apron Strings

Part 3: Thou Shalt Continually Communicate

Part 4: Thou Shalt Make Conflict Thy Ally

Thou Shalt Make Conflict Thy Ally

Say what?!?  Yes, you read the title right.  Chapter 4 of the book brings us the commandment:

Thou Shalt Make Conflict Thy Ally

You may think that having a fight with your spouse is the worst thing ever.  I do.  I hate it.  The way it makes you feel after...all horrible inside.  Well, ya know what?  It's healthy for your relationship.  Whew!

The two common myths that Ed gives in the chapter are:

1. Good marriages don't have problems.
2. Conflict hurts good marriages.

Both of those statements are false.  Conflict is normal...just like in any other relationship.  We may not choose the conflict, but we can choose our attitudes when dealing with it.

I'd like to share a paragraph from the book that I think is so true.

"I'm always astounded at the number of people I meet who actually believe marriage will fix their lives and make everything just right.  Here's a guy who has difficulty with work, trouble in school, and poor family relationships--but by getting married, he things everything will turn our great.  Or a girl who thinks that by saying, 'I do,' her life will turn blissfully happy 'till death do us part.'  Where did we get such a foolish idea?"

This is so true!  How many times growing up did we think that marriage would be wonderful all the time and all would be right in the world?  I can think of a handful of girls right now, that have this attitude toward marriage.  Hate to break it to you, but life gets harder.  It's a good kind of harder (hehe), but it is more difficult because you now have another person in your life that you have to put before yourself.  It's wonderful, don't get me wrong, but there are more challenges that you will face.

There are several "don'ts of conflict" that Ed lists in the book that I'd love to share with you:

1. Don't be ashamed of your anger.  Anger isn't a sin...in fact, Jesus was angry in the Bible.  It's normal, but you just have to know how to react to that anger.  Ephesians 4:26 says, "In your anger do not sin; do not let the sun go down while you are still angry."  When anger is handled properly, it's not a problem.
2. Don't call in heavy artillery or use deadly weapons.  The goal isn't to wipe out your spouse in what you think might be WWIII.  Don't say, "I'll leave," or "We'll get a divorce."  In fact, you probably shouldn't ever say that.  Growing up the "d" word wasn't allowed in our house.  And it's not allowed in my marriage either.
3. Don't air your dirty linen in public.  Don't discuss private conflicts with all your buddies, family, or co-workers.  That has a way of backfiring in your face.  Sometimes you need a different perspective from someone you trust, but going around talking about your spouse to different people because you're mad isn't the way to handle the situation.
4. Don't paint yourself into a corner.  As he says in the book, "Don't maneuver yourself into a position from which there is no retreat."  Don't bring up past things that you've been holding onto or you've already dealt with.
5. Don't use the turtle approach.  Don't climb in your shell and hide from the world.  Don't keep quiet about it.  Sometimes you might have to walk away, but always come back to talk about the situation and what has happened.
6. Don't keep a chip on your shoulder.  Don't overstate things.  He says, "Don't take a little situation and generalize it and make it sound as if it has been the situation from the very beginning."
7. Don't use sex as a weapon.  Don't take away sex as a punishment and don't use it as a reward.  If this happens, sometimes men will feel like they have to earn their wife's affection...this could lead to another woman in the situation.

Some things to do when in a conflict:

1. Talk and listen to God.
2. Try to understand your mate.
3. Try to understand yourself.
4. Talk to your mate.
5. Don't let the sun go down on your anger.
6. Make confession and forgiveness a priority.

These things are pretty much self explanatory, but if you need some more guidance, you can pick up the book and read it.

This week's questions:

If you are married:

1. How has a conflict resulted in strengthening a weak point in your relationship with your spouse?
2. Are you a peacemaker or a prizefighter?  Explain.
3. How do you need to change to make conflict an ally rather than an enemy?
4. How did your parents handle conflict when you were growing up, and how has that pattern affected you?

If you are contemplating or preparing for marriage:

1. What conflicts or tension do you have at present in your relationship?  (If you believe there are no conflicts, perhaps you or your beloved are not being open about your attitudes, preferences, or feelings.)
2. Do you express your disagreements to each other?  Why or why not?
3. Discuss with your beloved those things that create tensions.  Ask him or her to do the same.
4. Together, plan strategies to deal with conflicts in the future.

Missed a part?  You can catch up here:

Part 1: Thou Shalt Not Be a Selfish Pig

Part 2: Thou Shalt Cut the Apron Strings

Part 3: Thou Shalt Continually Communicate

Thou Shalt Continually Communicate

Week three in "The 10 Commandments of Marriage," wasn't too bad.  Actually, it wasn't bad at all.  This week's commandment is

Thou Shalt Continually Communicate

I think that in most pre-marital counseling sessions, marriage retreats, and anything else related to marriage, communication is one of the biggest, if not THE biggest topic talked about.  It's important.  

Ed mentions some reasons why people think a couple will stay together.  For example:

• "They have so much in common."
• "They are both from such good families."
• "They are both such solid Christian people."

That doesn't matter.  In fact, Tyler and I have things in common, come from good families {at least I think so}, and are fairly solid in our faith.  Those factors are not the only things that marriage relies on.  I think those are important things in a marriage, but definitely not the only factors.

Communication is important.  He mentions that if you were to talk to people who have been divorced and heard all the reasons why they are divorced, when it comes down to the root of it all...communication wasn't there.

Ed states, "Nonverbal factors such as tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language can affect communication far more than one's choice of words."  I know that when I am tired, I tend to keep quiet.  Tyler tends to know what or how I'm feeling based on my nonverbals.  He knows how I'm feeling because of my body language or the look on my face.  So, I would agree that nonverbals are just as important as verbal communication.

Some factors that could hinder good communication are schedules, children, tv, and fear of conflict.  Tyler and I have been really busy.  We get up, go to work, come home, eat supper, go to bed.  There's some hang out time in there, too.  But when you really think about it, we've both come home from a long day at work and aren't in our best moods.  We do talk, but a lot of time we don't give our best to each other.

Ed says, "Healthy communication cannot occur and flourish in a marriage in which the partners fail to take time away from all the busyness to be with each other.  And if they can't build communication, they can't build their marriage."  We tend to be busy during the week with other things as well:  small group, ball games, grocery shopping, etc.  We really have to focus on communicating with each other, and we need to spend time with each other to build our marriage.

While we don't have kids, many others do.  Kids can be a hindrance to marriages because they take so much time to care for.  Kids are needy {even when they're 24}.  I know most parents want to give the time and attention to their kids that they need.  They want to be able to help them, care for them, and be there for them.  This takes away from the marriage and in return you have to work extra hard at communicating.

Television is another hindrance.  We watch a lot of tv...but not as much as we used to.  That's because we decided that cable tv wasn't a necessity.  I'm glad we made that decision.  But we still have the tv on quite a bit.  It becomes a problem when it interferes with relationships.  When it keeps us from talking to each other, that's when it's time to turn it off.

Ed mentions that if a husband and wife never have any conflicts, then they aren't communicating.  Conflict is normal and everyone has it in their life.  He says that you can't let the fear of conflict get in the way of communicating to each other.  At first, I had a fear of conflict with Tyler.  I wanted to state my opinion but at the same time not hurt his feelings.  So sometimes I wouldn't give my opinion and in the end, I was the one getting hurt.  It is just better to talk it out, even if there is a conflict.

Another thing he talks about is the levels of communication.  There are five levels.

1. Cliche {Casual Conversation}
   For example, "How are you?"  This has little to no meaning.  It's usually used as a greeting because, well let's be honest, no one really cares how you're doing.
2. Just the Facts
   For example, "It's raining today."  While this is important, you can't grow your marriage on just the facts.
3. Opinions and Convictions
   For example, "I believe that..."  Sometimes disagreements pop up here.  You just have to be able to see both sides of the topic and keep in mind that it's your loved one's opinion.
4. Feelings
   For example, "What are you feeling?"  This is the point where we make ourselves vulnerable.  It's easier to voice opinions than voice our feelings.  Ed says, "Yet to grow in our marriages, we have to grow in our communication.  And to grow in our communication, we must learn to communicate our feelings--freely, but with wisdom."
5. Communicating Needs
   This is where we must give and take.  We give to each other's needs and take what we need.  "It is within the framework of this level of communication that a couple bonds and blends and become one."

We must learn to say what we mean.  It's easier to just say what you want flat out than it is to say something implied and hope the other person "gets it."  However, don't take it too far. Sometimes people can be brutally honest and it hurts other people.  There's a fine line between "shooting straight" and having no tact.  Sometimes I struggle with this.  I'm honest with people and tend to shoot straight.  However, not everyone is like me and can take the brutal honesty.  Some are more emotional and get their feelings hurt easier than I do.  Learning where that fine line is, is important.  It's also important to actively listen.  Listening to your spouse is just as important as being honest with them.

It's also important to figure out how each person receives messages.  If you're an auditory person, you like to receive messages verbally.  If you're a visual person, you like to see the words put into action, and if you're a feelings person, you receive messages through moods, demeanor, and posture.  This is a huge asset to marriage when you figure each other out and can communicate in the way they get it.

We aren't perfect...no one is.  Communication is always a hard topic.  Just keeping the "line" open between the two of you is important and it makes it easier to share with each other.

This week's questions:

1. On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being nonexistent, and 10 being "So good, no improvement possible"), rate the communication in your marriage.
2. How are you and your spouse at communicating your feelings and needs to each other?
3. Describe some hindrances to communication in your marriage.
4. How is your spouse wired?  Auditory?  Visual?  Feelings?  In light of your spouse's "wiring," how can you best communicate your love the him or her?

Missed part?  You can catch up here:

Part 1: Thou Shalt Not Be a Selfish Pig

Part 2: Thou Shalt Cut the Apron Strings