Saturday, August 27, 2011

Chaos

Whatever You're Doing (Sanctus Real)
It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out


Every time I hear this song, I get chills.  It also makes me think a lot.  It makes me think about myself.  Wait, that sounds really selfish.  I should clarify and say that it makes me think about myself spiritually.  Where am I at in my walk with Christ?  


I'm not a perfect person.  I screw up and make mistakes a lot! When I was in my undergrad, I sort of rebelled.  Now, I didn't rebel in the sense of how it sounds or the connotations that come with that word.  No, I feel like I rebelled in my relationship with God.  I went to church every Sunday, but I didn't go to CCH, Sunday School, or even small group.  I was pretty much a drop out.  Now, there were some reasons of why I did, but they were selfish.  I feel that in that time (2ish years), I was at a standstill with God, and maybe even slid back down the mountain.  I'm not proud of this, but I admit it because I don't ever want to be there again and I admit it because I know there's hope.  My heart hurts when I think about that time, and even makes me want to go back and re-do everything.


But I can't go back.


What I can do is move forward, and that's exactly what I'm doing.  


Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears


This verse of the song is what I'm trying to do.  I know that I have to make amends with people from my past, let go of what I've held on to for so long, and to cry my anger and frustration out and let it go completely.  It's not easy for me, and I've been struggling with it for a couple of weeks the entire summer, if I want to be honest.  But when I think of things in terms of "God," I can't help but learn to forgive.


On June 13, 1999 I gave my life to Christ, alongside my brother, Ben.  On that day, He forgave me for my past, present, and future sins.  


In Psalm 103: 11-12 it says: 
For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

GOD DOESN'T REMEMBER MY SIN!!!! So why in the world should I remember every wrong that someone had against me? I shouldn't! DUH!!! That's easier said than done...but God commands us to love one another. Do you know what love is??

1 Corinthians 13:4-8:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Love doesn't keep record of wrongs. Ya know? The more I read this verse, the more I see I need a lot of help! I have to start somewhere though. I'm going to start with cleaning out the past. Forgiving others. Letting things go. Starting over. Everyone deserves another chance. Will you give me one?

I know that I feel like chaos inside, but I also know that God has given me peace. I'm looking forward to the exciting doors that God is opening up for Tyler and I. I hope that we can grow more in Christ individually and as a couple. We have to start somewhere.

As I come to a close, I just need to pray. So pray with me, and please pray for me. I appreciate it.

God,
I love you, and I'm learning that you're speaking to me in ways that I could never have imagined. God, I just poured my heart out to these people who read this blog, and part of that is breaking down my pride. Sometimes it's really hard for me to admit that I'm wrong because I am a prideful person. I am wrong. I've been wrong for a long time. Lord, I pray that you'll help me become a more loving person; someone who will quit tallying wrongs; someone who will learn to open her heart to someone who just needs to be loved. God, I pray that you'll help me as I start sorting through my past, that you'll help me learn to forgive people who've hurt me and to toss those things out, as far as the east is from the west. You are a God of all things. I'm not living for anyone else, but You. Help me to please You, so that you'll say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." Thank you for the many blessings you've given me. I love you.
As You Wish.

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