St. Louis: The City that Grew Me

In 2013, I was living in St. Louis and I came across a post about some fitness thing. I inquired about it, but only because I had started my journey just 4 months prior. I was curious. I asked a lot of questions. I ordered what I thought was an over-priced shake. I bought a home workout dvd…was I really going to be doing Richard Simmons or Jane Fonda style workouts in my second floor apartment?

A couple months later, we bought our first home across town and I had a basement to workout in. TurboFire became my soulmate workout, and it evolved from there.

Today, my thoughts about the products I use is VASTLY different from when I started. And my thoughts about the town that I left just a few years later are vastly different, too.

This weekend, I went back to STL for our annual Team Beachbody Coach Summit. Not only did the Lord reveal Himself through things of this little hobby of mine, but He showed up BIG in my thoughts and feelings surrounding this city.

STL holds a lot of difficult memories for me. We moved there 10 years ago when I was a brand new wife, fresh outta college, knowing no one. I didn’t even know who I was. My husband wanted to work at the corporate office, so moving to OKC was always in the back of my mind. We didn’t plant many roots. He climbed the ladder and traveled every week for work. It was a strain on our relationship. In 2015, I lost my Granny and didn’t know how to process that or grieve. My life felt outta control. When we had 18 hours to make the decision to move to OKC at the end of 2015, it was a “heck yes! Get me out of here, but I also want to do what God is calling us to do” type of decision.

For many years after that, I didn’t even want to think about our time in STL. I wanted to run away from it. I had icky feelings for a LONG time. But each time I go back there, He reveals something to me.

Last year, I had the opportunity to go see a friend who adopted her daughter. A lot of healing happened that trip as I drove around town looking at the places we lived. I drove the once-familiar roads that seemed so foreign to me. I remembered things that I had blocked out of my memories. It was a good trip. A celebratory one that turned into a healing trip.

So this time when I went, I wasn’t expecting a whole lot of anything. But as I drove into the city, the familiar landmarks that once triggered a “we are ___many minutes from being home,” became strange to me. And I realized that the 417 will always feel like home to me.

But this time, God showed me that I needed St. Louis in my story. If it weren’t for my time in STL, I wouldn’t have the relationship with Him that I do now. If it weren’t for my time in STL, I wouldn’t have discovered my identity in Him. If it weren’t for my time in STL, I wouldn’t be the girl I am today, and I wouldn’t be living in Joplin (which still blows my mind…but that’s another story for another day. Sure, God could have used other circumstances to grow me and bring me closer to Him. But He didn’t. He used 4 short years in St. Louis. It was the city that grew me.

I still have difficult memories that I have to work through. But God uses all things for my good and His glory. He may not reveal everything about why we were there…but I believe that He has used it for my good. And He really does get the glory for that.

Instead of thinking of all the bad, I can now look back on that blip in time with fond memories, knowing that the people we met are what is good. So thank you, St. Louis, for being a part of my story…a part of our story.

Four Years of Missing You

Prior to Tuesday, May 19, 2015, I was so hopeful for that year.  But that morning, I got a text message that shocked me to my core.  Granny had a stroke.  A couple of hours later, I got a phone call telling me that I should come home...there probably wasn't much time.

Alone in my car for five hours as I drove across the state of Missouri, I had a while to think.  I thought of every good thing about my Granny...how she loved others, how she cared for others, how she never thought twice about doing kind things for others.  She was a servant.  I thought a lot about my own life.  Where was it going?  What good thing did I have going?  My relationship with Jesus was more of an SOS-relationship.  I called on Him when I needed Him.

At that point, my mom had been inviting me to BSF (Bible Study Fellowship). Although we lived hours apart, the study was offered in St. Louis...in several different locations.  I had looked into it, but I never jumped at the chance to go.  She continued to invite me for four years.

I remember so vividly making a decision in my car that I was going to turn my life around...quit living for myself...and I was going to work on my relationship with Jesus.  I made a commitment that day to seek out a BSF class.  Unfortunately, BSF is on a schedule that coincides with the school schedule.  So they had already let out for summer break, and I had to wait until September to join.

I got to the hospital with time to spare, because she was still talking.  Her eyes were closed, but she was talking.  Her speech was slurred because half of her body was paralyzed, but she knew who I was and she automatically asked about Tyler.  He was in Detroit that week for work and wasn't with me. I talked to her. I held her hand.  I don't know how much longer it was before she didn't respond...it may have been a few hours.

My family is large.  We are weird.  We do things differently.  But we love Jesus.  The majority of us got to be there with her at the hospital...in her room...for days.  The staff at the local hospital was very kind to us in allowing us ALL to be there.  I grew up in a small town, so most of the staff knew us anyway.  But that's one thing I won't forget in all of this...the kindness they showed to us.

Granny taught little kids at church.  In fact, the Sunday prior, she was teaching.  She also taught a Sunday School for adults with mental disabilities.  She loved singing with her kids and adults.  She loved to sing with her grandkids.

Remember how I said we are weird?  One of the first holidays that Tyler spent with my extended family, a sheet of paper was passed out with music on it.  We gathered in a circle and sang before we prayed for the meal.  I'm surprised he's still around, in all honesty!! :)

So while Granny was in the hospital, we sang to her...hymns, children's songs, our family song...we even wrote the words to her favorite hymn on the hospital board. :)  I told you...we are weird.

We didn't know what to expect. We didn't know when Jesus would call her home.  So that evening, we all prayed together before we left the hospital.  We said our "see ya laters," and we headed home for some sleep.

It was a long few days.  On Thursday, my husband finally had made his trip to me.  He arrived at Granny's house at the same time the ambulance brought Granny home.  Granny absolutely hated hospitals and doctors.  We knew that she would rather be at home.  So we got permission to bring her home with the care of a hospice nurse.

We gathered in her home with no care of how quiet we should have been.  Granny loved her crazy family, and she would have loved having us all there.  Unfortunately, it was a party to send her Home.  The girls were celebrating awaiting her Homecoming with a tea party...which she also would have loved so very much.

On Friday, May 22, 2015, shortly after sunrise (her favorite time of day), Jesus called her Home.  I was truly so happy that she was no longer suffering here. But in the months to come, I was literally heartbroken.

Fall of 2015, I joined my first study in BSF.  That year, we were studying Revelation.  If you're not familiar with BSF, it is a very in-depth study.  I had no clue what I had gotten myself into.  Fast forward to December and we moved to Oklahoma City.  I knew that I wanted to finish out the study because it was so good.  I joined a class here, and I'm so glad I did!

As I look back on what Revelation taught me...it's that Granny was in heaven with her Savior.  As much as she loved her family, she loved her Jesus more.  She wouldn't want to come back here after meeting Him.  I was okay with that.

A Look Back on 2013

As 2013 comes to a close, I look back on the year and I see how much God has blessed us.

I am in complete awe as I look here and see what has been accomplished and what we've done.

In 2013, I made my word of the year, 'Grace.'

We bought a new-to-us car for Tyler.

We had our first B&B experience.

We vacationed at Walt Disney World {Here, here, and here}

We started a new way of eating.

I wrote for Young Wife's Guide.

We celebrated two years of marital bliss.

We had a getaway to celebrate those two years.

I quit my horrible job and got a new one!

We bought our first home!

I learned what grace really meant.

Overall, this year has been a milestone for us in our adult-hood.  We've made a lot of adult decisions, but it's been a fun year!  I am extremely blessed to get to do life beside my best friend.  

I hope and pray that your New Year will be blessed! :)

Alright

Awhile back, I mentioned my struggle with living in the city.
I've really struggled with the why part of why we're here.

Before we moved, I shared my feelings on moving.

But all along we've trusted that this has been God's plan for us.

In the past year that we've lived here, I've been:

• homesick
• content
• joyful
• sad
• thankful and hopeful

I have had many emotions while here.

I'm sure I've had these emotions while in college as well, I just didn't document them for all the world to read.

You know that saying, "What goes up must come down?"

Yep...that's been my life for the past year.

I feel as if all is going well, then all of a sudden I'm in a valley.

In those valleys, I always wanted to move back to Springfield.

Back to our "home."

See, to get to where my parents live, we have to drive through Springfield.
Each time we drove past, my heart ached to be there.
It felt as if a piece of my heart broke each time we went by.
I wanted to drive the familiar streets and call it home.
Oh, and did I mention that both of my brothers go to school there?

Springfield is where Tyler and I met.
It holds so many dear memories.
So, of course I would want to move back.
We've tried a couple of times to get jobs there and move back.
But for some strange reason, God has shut that door.

Just recently, I was trying to sort through all of my emotions.
I wanted to be a realist about it all, rather than a dreamer.
A few weeks ago, I may have written that I was okay with visiting Springfield.
That my heart didn't hurt...and I was content with just visiting.
Through other people, God has shown me why living in St. Louis is okay:

1.  The people we were friends with in college have moved on...
     ...it doesn't matter whether they moved to a different city or have just in general moved on with their life. Other than a few that we went to church with, there's not many people left.

2.  We couldn't find a good paying job there to save our life...
     ...while we were both in agreement about taking a slight pay cut to move back to Springfield, we couldn't even find jobs that would supply our needs!  We've lived frugally before (when I was unemployed), so I knew we could cut things out that we didn't need, but when the job was barely meeting those needs, we knew that we should stay with our comfy lifestyle in St. Louis.  That may sound very egotistical and I don't mean for it to, but God was showing us that He blessed us with jobs here.

3.  We started going to the Saturday night service at church with some people in our small group...
     ...against my "traditional" ways, we now go to church on Saturday evenings.  This has been so great for us!  We have gone out with our friends several nights after church to eat and fellowship with each other.  It has helped me feel like I'm not totally alone here and has helped combat the homesickness.

So even in the midst of trial, bad attitudes, and a grieving heart, God was showing us His plan.
He revealed to me recently some other reasons we're here in St. Louis:

• Tyler's grandpa just passed away.  Living here meant we were only about 80 miles from his grandparents, so we've gotten to see them more often than if we lived in Springfield (about 4.5 hours from them).  That in itself is and was a blessing.  
• My aunt was recently diagnosed with cancer, and the doctor she chose for her treatment is here in STL.  We've gotten the chance to eat supper with her and my uncle a couple of different times while they've been here.  I count that as a blessing as well (not that she has cancer...just that we're close by). 

As you can see, it's been a rough journey for me to get to this spot.

That's okay...God didn't say life was going to be easy.

He's taught me a lot about myself along the way.

The other night I had a dream...I dreamed that Tyler had gotten a job in Springfield, and we were telling our family and friends we were moving.  Someone asked me if I was excited to be moving back, and I got teary-eyed and said that I was a little sad, because our small group (our friends) has been so great and I would miss them so much.

I've thought a lot about that dream this week.

And last night as we gathered in a home with our small group, I felt a sense of peace.

I may talk a lot in group...giving them more details than they want to know and making that story longer than it should be...but they accept me no matter what.

And I knew that everything is going to be alright.

Our Happenings

Life has been crazy this month...and it's only the 10th!!

The past weekends have been filled to the brim with family.

In fact, this weekend will be filled with family again.

We've been seeing a lot of my husband's grandparents.

...more so than before.

His grandpa is struggling with cancer, not doing so well.

This weekend will be spent with them.

If ya think about it, pray for their family. 

It's a tough time right now...

#cancersucks

This past Monday, my husband did something incredibly sweet.

I had to go to the dentist, and while I was there, he texted me this picture:

Sidenote: I really hate going to the dentist. Especially since my problem has been ongoing for 2.5 months {and continues}.

We are going to the Cardinals game this Sunday!!

The first one {for us} of the season!!

I love baseball season, and my love for it has grown since living in St. Louis.

Now I just need to buy a Yadi shirt...

We're also getting ready to go to Disney World!

We leave next Tuesday evening after work!

I am so incredibly excited, you'd think it was almost Christmas.

Seriously.

I might have said this before, but I'll say it again:

Tyler has never been! {say what?!?}

I hope he will love it as much as I do. :)

I'm giddy with excitement!!!

Wanna know a secret?

I might make Tyler take a picture of me with her.

Via

I mean, I am her.

At least my Daddy thought so.

What do you think?

Senior Prom, circa 2007

I can't wait to share all our pictures when we get back!

I really hope to get back to my shop sometime soon.

For now, you can enjoy 10% off a purchase of $10 or more with coupon code SUNNYDAYS until I get back from vacation!

**Also, please note:  all purchases made today through Saturday will ship out on Monday (4/15).  Purchases made Sunday, the 14th and later will ship out on Thursday, 4/25.**

Be sure to check out all my shop's social media networks:

facebook // twitter  //  instagram

We've gotten a lot of good tips for our trip.

Do you have any?

I'd be happy to hear them!! :)

Trust in the Lord

Via

Sometimes I feel like I just need a wake-up call.
Okay, maybe I'm just that dense that God has to really slap me upside the head.
Maybe that's why I've been having all these headaches. Ha!

This past week has been a struggle for me.
It all started last July when I chipped my tooth.
I got it fixed for the time being, but knew that I could possibly need a root canal in the next several days.
I prayed hard for that dang tooth.
Those days came and went, and I was fine.

Fast forward to the end of January.
I had a massive toothache.
Oh my gosh...I couldn't drink anything without a straw, it was that bad.
I went to a new dentist this time.
Much nicer, lots more patience.
He had to numb me up so that I could get my teeth cleaned. 
The next day, I came back in for a root canal.

Things went well, but there wasn't enough time to finish it all up.
My tooth was "aggravated" in the words of the dentist.
I came back in 3 weeks to get the rest of it finished up.
Meanwhile, I developed an infection.
Went through 10 days of antibiotics.
Nothing happened.
Called back.
More medicine.
10 more days of antibiotics.
All while this has been going on, I've developed other problems stemming from this whole predicament.

On Sunday, I was texting my mom.
And I was just laying on the floor crying because of all that is going on.
I've been so blessed to be "healthy" most of my life.
I've never struggled with medical issues, so this has been stressful for me.

I know that God has been trying to get my attention.
This is just a trial.
I feel that often times, I depend on something other than Him to get me through the situation.
In this case, I feel like I might have depended too heavily on the medication, and not enough on Him.

I went back to the dentist yesterday.
I was praying that the infection would be gone.
It wasn't.
So we are trying the last thing before he will recommend an extraction.

This time around, I've realized that Satan is disguising himself as an infection in my tooth.
For some reason, he won't get outta there.
I have realized, that he is wanting me to get upset, frustrated, and discouraged with everything that has been going on.
And he is loving every second of watching me live like that.
He wants me to live this miserable life...because he is miserable.

But I said, "No more!"
My God is SO much bigger than Satan...than this little infection.
My God is healer.
He's comfort, He's strength, and He's encouraging.

This morning, I was listing to the radio and this song came on:

"Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord..."

God met me in my moment.  
As I wait on Him to do His thing, I will have the strength to continue down this road.
I am putting my trust and hope in Him alone.
Yes, I think that this last medication can help, don't get me wrong.
But I know that my God is better than science and medication.

I am praying fervently that by April 8th at 11 am this infection will be gone from my mouth.
That at that time, the dentist will be able to finish up the root canal, and we'll be able to put a finish to this long saga.
More importantly I want to live out Proverbs 3:5-6.

Trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding.  In all my ways, I want to seek Him so that He will direct my paths straight. (This is my paraphrase.) 

365 Days

Dear St. Louis,

You are not what I expected.  We have officially lived here a whole, entire year, and to be honest, I'm still not sure what I think of you.  I tend to have a love/hate relationship with you.  You are definitely different from what I'm used to, and I'm not positive that I want to begin a serious relationship with you.  And actually, I think the big city is a tad lot over-rated.   Sorry to be so blunt.  Hope it didn't hurt your feelings. ;)  I just prefer a little more of my own space.

However, if it's God's plan for us to live here, then we will make the best of it.  And if it's God's plan to live here, He will make it so that we will love living here.  I just know it.

We've had some really good times and we've had some really crappy times.  I think we've had more good times than crappy, but how is that the bad times tend to linger in my head?  I keep thinking of the spring time and how happy it will be compared to the winter, and that makes me hopeful.  We live in a beautiful apartment complex, and I am excited to see foliage once again.  

St. Louis, there is still so much of you that has yet to be discovered.  Hopefully we'll be able to find a farmer's market this spring.  I hope to explore more than just our part of West County.  I hope to hang out with more people, as we get to know them.  I hope to find my way around, just a little more.  I hope to find my place in this city...to know the reason why I'm here.

Here are some memories as we look back on our year here:

The Hunt

Nature

I've Never Been More Homesick Than Now

I Found Strength in my Struggles

Big Girl Job

Family Weekend Getaway

Thanksgiving 2012

I'm Letting Go

My Life Update

Those posts highlight the ups and downs of the relationship with our new city.  Of course, my favorite memories are the ones where family got to come and visit. :)

It was about this time that we started unloading all of our stuff into our new home. It was a beautiful day...we couldn't have asked for better weather.  In fact, we worked up a sweat as we hauled everything up from the van and trailer to the second floor of our apartment building. 

Today is about as opposite as you can get.  We had a beautiful 55 degree day yesterday, and when we saw the highway signs that said, "Winter Weather Warning for the Metro Area," we really didn't want to believe it.

This past year has definitely been a learning experience for us both.  I pray that this next year we will continue to follow God's plan for our lives. :)

My Life Update

This week has been so busy that I haven't had time to blog!
Maybe I can get caught up this week...we'll have to see.
I thought I would give you a little life update, since I posted my whole heart on this post.

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Back in February, Tyler and I went to Branson to hang out with my Mom and Dad.
We met up with them in Springfield at Braum's.  
My brothers and their girlfriends were there, so I know this was a God-thing.
We got there, and instantly I knew something was wrong.
My mom didn't even look up to say hi.
She had this look on her face, and I was about to ask who died.
Literally...it was that bad.
Seconds before, my dad had gotten off the phone with his sister.
She had told him that their other sister (the baby of the family) had just been told she has

C A N C E R.

That's not a scary word when you're not directly affected by it.

But oh goodness, it is scary now.

You may say that I'm not directly affected by it now.

You're right...she's not my mom or sister, but she is my aunt.

See my family is a little strange (okay, maybe a lot).

All of us love Jesus a lot!

The Buntons have a legacy.

Whether they are my extended family or my immediate family, they are still my family.

Cancer is something that takes an entire family (plus some) to beat.

My heart aches, knowing that she has to go through this.

But God has a plan.  A wonderful plan.

My momma brought my aunt up here to see a special doctor this week.

She had seen 2 others, but she wanted another opinion.

So on Tuesday evening, we had a houseful of guests!

My momma, aunt, uncle, and cousin (who lives here in town) all came over for supper!

It was great to see them, but the circumstances weren't so great.

We had a lot of laughs and numerous conversations about our quirky family.

Ya know, we may all have our moments, but I wouldn't trade them for anything in this world.

Long story short to say, please pray for her!  

Also, pray for her husband and 6 kids.

We would really appreciate that!

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We also got to see my brother this week!
He brought his girlfriend up on Wednesday to hang out (it's their Spring Break), so we met them at The Cheesecake Factory for supper!
It was so nice to see them and get to catch up for a little bit.
I hope they'll come up again soon and hang out longer!!

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After many visits with area churches, we were just struggling and aggravated.

We decided to go back to the church that we originally liked and have a small group with.

However, against my traditional ways, we decided to attend the Saturday evening service because there are 2 couples from our small group that go to that service.

We decided that this could be a positive thing, and they could possibly introduce us to other people.

We've only been going back for 3 weeks, but we've hung out with several people since then.

This has really helped me, since I'm an extremely extroverted person.

I need to be around people to recharge my batteries.

I am hopeful for what is to come in the future.

I am grateful for the people who've been praying for us.

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I do have to brag.

My husband is a stud at his job!

He got "TSR of the Month" for the month of January (yes, they put the wrong year on it), AND he was the fastest TSR to get $1 million in setups for his job!

That may mean nothing to you, but just know that he is amazing at what he does.

He also has a VERY proud wife!! :)

We are hoping to go on vacation in about a month, so stay tuned for that! :)

We are just living the working couple's life right now.

I feel that life is getting better, and our my attitude is getting better.

Those are both positive things!

Oh and I did just give my shop a little update.
Get 15% off your order this weekend with code NEW15!

Thankful

I am not a fan of being vulnerable.

Is anyone, really?

I don't like opening up about things that are dear to my heart

because I'm afraid of being hurt.

I'm good at building walls.

Sometimes those walls are so high 

that you have to come in with a wrecking ball.

Yesterday's post was a huge step for me.

So while my heart is healing,

and I'm putting my words into action,

I thought I would share what I'm thankful for.

I am thankful for my husband, who loves me despite me being crazy.  I feel so selfish most of the time because I'm always thinking about how I feel in all of this craziness and never asking him how he's feeling about it all.  He doesn't really know what to do with me when I'm all emotional, but he'll soon learn to go with the flow...and when I'm saying that I'm crying about nothing, that it really could be the truth!  I love him for trying to make me laugh on days that aren't so good, and that he'll tell me he loves me just to make sure I know it.

I am thankful for my momma, who is one of my very best friends.  She is everything I need her to be:  a listening ear, a counselor, a prayer warrior, a friend, and my momma.  I talk to her every, single day.  She listens to my ups and downs.  She tells me when I'm being irrational, consoles me when I've had a bad day, and lets me cry on her shoulder via our cell phones.  She knows how to speak in a way that it sinks into my soul.  She is someone that I do not take for granted, because her own momma was taken way too early.

I am thankful for my daddy.  He "knows" me because I am exactly like him.  He is my biggest support and for that I'm incredibly thankful.  He tells me when I'm being ridiculous, helps me see the other side of situations, and can also talk to me {even when I don't want to hear it} in a way that makes me think.  He's my go-to person for any question that someone else doesn't know the answer to.  He is also a prayer warrior, and I can count on him to always pray for me and with me.

I am thankful for "group conversations" via the iPhone.  I'm not sure what I would do without the random texts that I get from my two brothers.  And I'm especially thankful for a sweet conversation that I had with one of them this week.  My brothers both deserve the world...

I am so incredibly thankful for Instagram/Bloggy friends.  They are what keep me going on days that I don't feel like I have it in me.  When they let God shine through their posts, it's encouraging to me and it gives me the extra little boost that I need.

I am also thankful for the ones that took time to leave me comments, send me an email, or leave me a facebook message.  Your words encouraged me, and I'm so thankful for them.  I appreciate each of you.

I am thankful for my Savior.  Because of Him, I am redeemed.  

I am thankful for a God who forgives my ugly days...He forgives the selfishness that is inside of me and kindly hits me over the head with the reality that life isn't about me.

I am truly blessed to know the Creator and Author of Life.

He is One I live for.

His opinion of me is the only one that matters.

God painted this breathtaking sunset on my way home from work last week. 

I'm Letting Go

Life isn't rainbows all the time..

which is probably my main reason for lack of posting.

I just haven't felt anything worthy of sharing lately.

But maybe it's time to be honest.

I mean, I want to share my journey 

with you, and I want to be transparent

but I don't want it to get to the point where

all I do is whine and complain...

because who really wants to read that?

But this is my space,

and I do want to be honest.

So if you don't want to listen to my long-drawn out story,

then I give you permission to back out now...

Call it the winter-blahs

or maybe I've hosted a month-long 

pity party of one.

Could be a little of former and a lot of the latter.

Last year at this time,

I was jobless {by choice} and living in a city

I hated while my husband trained for 3 months at his Corporate HQ.

I had high hopes for what our life would be like when we finally got to St. Louis.

Let me tell you, it is absolutely nothing like I had planned.

Huh.

Imagine that.

When we moved here last March,

Tyler and I started searching immediately for a church that we could get involved with.

We thought we had found one.

It was big, had great worship, and the Bible was taught.

Tyler got involved {fairly quickly} with the worship band and we thought all would be well.

In May, I was really homesick.

I hadn't found a job yet, didn't go anywhere during the day, and tried to be a good wife when my husband came home from work each night, but in reality I was cranky from lack of people interaction.

We tried to get more involved in our church, but had no opportunities to meet people until the Fall semester started.

We waited.

Fairly patiently, especially for me {I'm not a very patient person}.

Finally, September was here and we went to the first small group meeting.

It was great!

The people in that group are truly amazing.

But we knew all of 12 people from that church of 3,000.

Believe me, seeing 12 people once a week is awesome...

But ya gotta know something about me...

I'm a people-person.

I'm an extrovert and therefore fuel myself from interacting with people.

I also want to feel like my church is my family.

My home away from home.

We are the Body of Christ...we need to be there for one another.

But I've seen people walk into a church just to keep the status...

It has been a tough journey.

Back to the story...

In late November I had been feeling like maybe this wasn't the church for us.

It wasn't until early December that Tyler admitted that to me.

We had an important decision to make.

So we decided to hop back into shopping around.

This last month has been a huge struggle for me.

I decided for some reason that the best thing

to do would be to host a pity party.

Only one person was invited.

Me.

Can we say selfish much??

I cried many tears...

Sometimes for no reason,

but in reality they had many reasons.

And I will probably cry many more.

We're still looking...

and I hate that so much.

I just want to be able to find a "home."

I know that God has us here for a reason...

...for some reason unbeknownst to me.

But in His time {not mine}, it will be revealed to us.

In this month of pity,

I have been some-what mad at God.

But why?

He has blessed me so much!

Even in the circumstances that we're in, He has blessed us.

I have allowed that pity to cloud my eyes.

And not only my eyes, but my heart as well.

I've heard Jennifer Rothschild speak several times.

She has this saying that just keeps coming back to me,

"It can be well with your soul even if it's not with your circumstance."

I think that's what really woke me up this week.

My soul hasn't been well.

And it can be, even while my circumstances suck.

{And I pray that they won't suck for much longer...}

I have really struggled to hand it all over to God, because I have this control issue.

But I've been working on that this week.

Francesca Battistelli is one of my favorite Christian singers.

I put one of her CD's in this week and have listened to it while driving to work,

but for the first time really heard the words that were being sung in this song.

I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
I’m losing control
Of my destiny
It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go

So, while I'm praying for relationships and friends,

I'm working on being content where I am.

Because if I'm honest with myself,

God really worked out the plans for us here.
I'm letting my plans go, and letting His plans take over.

Because His plans are always best.

I've had my eyes opened...

but to be totally honest, I'm still struggling a little.

It's a slow process for me.

I'm praying for contentment, because God has shown us that this is where we are to be right now.

I'm praying for Christ-centered relationships.

I'm praying that this will feel like "home" to us soon.

I say all these things,

not for you to feel sorry for me.

Please, don't even think about that.

I say this because this is where I am.

Broken.

and transparent, even when I don't want to be.

And I know the only way out of this is through putting it all in God's hands.

If you think about it, would you pray that we might be able to find a church that we can call home?

Decisions, Decisions...

Do you ever feel stuck?

And you don't know what to do?

And you don't even know how to begin to get out?

Or maybe you don't want to get out?

Or maybe you do...but you're in just deep enough that it will hurt when trying to get out?

Just when we thought things were going great, some other things happened.

So we've come to a crossroad.

Do we keep on trucking down the same road?

Digging even deeper, trusting someone with our ideas that may not work, or they may not want to listen?

Thinking they've done this before but it didn't excel, so why try again?

Or do we make a left turn and begin again?

Hoping that where we do end up will be a perfect match?

"They" say that when you feel something, you're likely not the only one feeling it.

Hmm...I find this true in most cases.

Right now...I don't even know how to begin to look for people experiencing the same, feeling the same, wanting the same...

Simply stated, it's frustrating and lonely.

My struggle is this:

Do we stay put and attempt for who-knows-how many more months, to hopefully make it better for someone else, and hopefully make it better for us?

OR

Do we head back to square one, starting over, and hope that the already established is exactly what we need and where we're supposed to be?

Being a follower of Christ is really hard sometimes. 

Part of me feels like if we decide to head back to square one, that we're just being a fan.

I don't want to be a fan...someone who sits by and roots for Jesus, but doesn't do anything about what it truly means to be a Christian.

I want to do what He asks of me.

The other part of me feels like that even if we do start over, that God could always call us back to where we were.

Knowing that, gives me a little bit of comfort.

But it still leaves us with the question:

What do we do?

We will continue to pray and ask God to open doors for us.

Maybe he doesn't care which option we choose as long as we're serving Him whole-heartedly.

I haven't figured that out yet.

But when I do...I'll let you know.

For now, what do you guys do when you feel like you're at a crossroad?

How do you choose what road is the right path for you?