The Hardest Year of My Life

This is probably going to be an uncomfortable post to write.  But I feel that it needs to be shared. Actually, I have been wanting to share it for quite some time, but I just did not know how to put into words what I have been feeling. 

I first started my health and fitness journey in April 2013. In 2014, I found the Whole30 program, and it really did change my life.  I eliminated grains, dairy, sugar, legumes, processed foods, and alcohol for 30 days.  I felt the best I ever have, and a positive side effect from it was a healthy 13.4 pound weightloss.  In my mind, I had just done the hardest thing ever.

My before pic Whole30 vs my after Whole30

Going into 2015, I was excited to see where this journey would take me. I had lost a total of 24 pounds and was on my way to being at my goal weight.  I was focused on eating healthy.  I completed another round of Whole30 in January 2015, and started my third round in May.  I felt confident.  I was seeing results in my clothes.  I was happy with where my journey was taking me. 

I took "progress pics" regularly. I felt very confident on the day that I took this pic.

Then in May 2015, my Granny passed away. At the time, my husband was also traveling each week for his job, and I had not settled well in St. Louis.  We had lived there a couple of years, but I had never found where I fit in exactly.  After Granny passed away, I went into a depression and began to comfort myself with food, eventually gaining all my weight back. This quickly became the hardest thing ever. 

July 2015--first selfie I took since Granny passed away.

 I had not realized that I was making excuses, as I was just coping with the loss the best I knew how.  It was difficult to make this journey on my own, especially while grieving a huge loss in my life.

September--the weight was still coming on and I was clueless (and I didn't really care).

To top it off, in December 2015, we made a decision in less than 24 hours to move to a different state.  We sold our house within a week and moved during the holidays. What a stressful ending to the year!  So needless to say, I was not paying attention to what I was eating or even prioritizing my workouts. I was focused on getting my husband back and getting us moved to our new state. 

I ended the year at my heaviest weight ever.

The new year came and I was feeling a million different things.  I knew that I wanted to make my health a priority again.  But I felt that I kept falling off the wagon or that I could not follow any certain way of eating.

The year of 2016 was a complete struggle for me as I dealt with the unchartered territory of emotional eating and binge eating. I struggled the entire year. I had made my fitness a priority, but my nutrition was on the back burner. You can NOT outrun a bad diet.  It was early summer when I finally made a facebook post about my binging.  I was ashamed. I was embarrassed.  But my post was received with love, which I am so grateful for.

Being in the health and fitness industry, there are many other people doing the same thing that I am doing.  I had started following a woman on social media who is also a coach within the same company.  I was hearing her tell her story every day over snap chat stories.  She had shared that she had once lost weight, but over the past couple years, she slowly gained it back.  She knew she needed to get her nutrition back on track.  And I hung on every word, because she was telling my story.

I met her this past summer.  I got to tell her how her story had encouraged me and inspired me.  I literally cried on her shoulder because she had made me realize that I was not alone.  She had lost the weight, and she encouraged me that I could do it as well.  I felt empowered in that moment.  I just needed someone to empathize with me, perhaps.

Meeting Lori, my own inspiration

I got home from that trip, and I started that program that Lori had done to lose her weight.  But my mindset was still not right.  I completed the program, had more results than I thought I would have, but then shortly after, I had my wisdom teeth out.  That kept me out of my workouts for about two weeks.  In that amount of time, I had to get real with myself.  I decided that it was time.  It was time for me to get my act together.  I had struggled with my nutrition for so long that I knew I needed to get it figured out.  So I decided to do something that literally scared the crap out of me.

In October, I committed to completing my longest fitness program yet. It was 14 weeks long, and I was not sure what I was in for.  It was a program from the creator of Insanity.  I think that I was mainly scared of being committed to something for that length of time.  I already knew the program would be difficult, but I also knew I needed it at the same time.  But I could commit to 25 minutes a day.

This past Friday, I marked the last day, day 96, off my calendar. It was emotional as I finished up, and I could not help but burst into tears because I was so extremely proud of myself. I have been focused on my nutrition these last 14 weeks, and I am excited about where I am headed.

I knew that I needed to write this post...because I needed to be able to look back on my own journey.  I needed to see how far I have come.  Yes, it really stinks that I have not reached my goals yet, when I have been at this for a long time.  But also, it makes me appreciate the journey a lot more because I struggled and I overcame.

As I was looking for pictures to use for this post, I put them all into a folder on my computer.  Then I went through them, and I allowed myself to feel the emotion as I looked at them.  I started out super excited, and then I got emotional because I knew where each picture was taken.  And then I put them all side-by-side so I could see it play out before my own eyes, and I could not believe what I saw.

The picture on the left holds a huge memory for me. As I mentioned previously, it was taken and posted on my Instagram account back in 2014, and someone had commented about how thin I was. That was huge, because I have been overweight my entire life. So when I was wearing the same shirt last week, I had to take an updated picture. When I put them side-by-side, I was completely blown away because I feel like I am finally back on track.

I worked HARD this past year. I am still working hard...just because I feel like I am back on track does not mean I can slack off.  I am still overcoming the thoughts of binging.  I am overcoming the thoughts of emotional and boredom eating.  I am overcoming every negative thought I ever had about myself.  But I am in a much better emotional state.

I fought my own excuses, injuries, PCOS, and attitude...and here I am. I am stronger for it! I have learned some hard lessons.  But this journey is absolutely worth it.  It may not be pretty all the time, but it is so worth it.

Here is to 2017!  I know that it will be the best year yet because I say it will be!  I will be in the trenches, fighting for my health.  This is no longer about being skinny.  This is about being the woman that God created me to be.  I was made for MORE than worrying about the number on the scale.  I was made for MORE than worrying about every little calorie that I put into my body. I was made for MORE than my excuses.  I was made for MORE than the binging cycles I put myself through.  I was made for GREATNESS.  I was made for VICTORY!

...and you....You were made for more, too. <3