Stamp Collecting

This weekend has been a short one for me, and I've had a lot on my mind.  The closeness of the wedding has a lot to do with it.  It seems like yesterday we were just getting engaged, and yet we're 3 weeks away from saying, "I do."

I want to be a good wife.  I need to be a good wife.  I'm really scared of failing, hence the reason for my blog.  I want people to help keep me accountable, give me advice when I need it, pray for me, and to see how far I've come.  

Tyler and I went back to Northside today for church.  It seems like it's been a really long time since we've been there (only 3 weeks...and we've been in Lamar most of those Sundays).  I was excited about going, but I was really distracted this morning.  I'm not sure if that was a good or bad thing.  See, I kept thinking about what it takes to be a wife, as I kept reading over Proverbs 31.  I was trying to decipher what it meant in today's world.  I told myself that I could figure it out later, but I was still thinking of certain attributes that a wife should have.

The one that really stuck out to me was that a wife should handle her emotions in a way that's pleasing to the Lord.  I have a really hard time with this.  My mom has always told me that I am an "elevator."  I'm happy one minute, sad the next, and angry the next.  To some extent, this is true.  I can be talking to her about an issue that has really got me riled up, and then we can change the subject to something that makes me really happy.  

I also have this issue when talking to and being with Tyler.  We could be having the best day together, and he may say something that offends me.  Then I get really upset, but I don't tell him why or what's wrong.  I just have this attitude the rest of the evening or until I'm over it.  This isn't healthy, and I know it.  (He does, however, like to point that out to me, which makes me more mad.)  It is something that I've been trying to work on, but it's very difficult.  

Being upset, or even angry, isn't a primary emotion.  My dad has told me in the past that, "A person cannot make you mad.  It's your choice to get mad."  He's very right.  Anger arises from a feeling, fear, or frustration.  Anger tends to get the best of us when we begin to believe that everything is about us.  Truth.  I have 100% control over what goes into my mind and what comes out of my mouth.  Now only if I could get to the point where the only things that come out of my mouth are positive, uplifting, encouraging words.  Man, that's tough.

I tend to be a "stamp collector."  I learned about stamp collecting at the OCC Women's Clinic this past spring.  Do you remember those Subway stamp cards?  Ya know, for each foot long sandwich you bought, you'd  get a stamp on the card...then when you had 10 stamps, you'd get a free sandwich.  Well, take that analogy and apply it to frustration.  Anytime Tyler makes me frustrated, I take out my card, put a stamp on it, and put it back in my pocket.  Well, the more I do this, the faster my card fills up.  What happens when the card is full?  I cash it in, of course.  He has no idea it's coming, and it's totally unfair to him.  

It's then I become a "spewer."  This has potential to ruin relationships.  This is what I don't want.  Remember I said I was scared to fail at being a good wife?  Well, this could potentially be where I fail....a lot.  Seems to me that I have got to work on this.

I can un-learn everything that I've learned to do in the past, can't I?  I can't be an elevator.  I can't be a stamp collector, and I really can't be a spewer. Sounds fair enough...I'll be working on that this week!!  It's a conscious decision...like everything else worthy of improving.