Chaos

Whatever You're Doing (Sanctus Real)
It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

Every time I hear this song, I get chills.  It also makes me think a lot.  It makes me think about myself.  Wait, that sounds really selfish.  I should clarify and say that it makes me think about myself spiritually.  Where am I at in my walk with Christ?  


I'm not a perfect person.  I screw up and make mistakes a lot! When I was in my undergrad, I sort of rebelled.  Now, I didn't rebel in the sense of how it sounds or the connotations that come with that word.  No, I feel like I rebelled in my relationship with God.  I went to church every Sunday, but I didn't go to CCH, Sunday School, or even small group.  I was pretty much a drop out.  Now, there were some reasons of why I did, but they were selfish.  I feel that in that time (2ish years), I was at a standstill with God, and maybe even slid back down the mountain.  I'm not proud of this, but I admit it because I don't ever want to be there again and I admit it because I know there's hope.  My heart hurts when I think about that time, and even makes me want to go back and re-do everything.


But I can't go back.


What I can do is move forward, and that's exactly what I'm doing.  


Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

This verse of the song is what I'm trying to do.  I know that I have to make amends with people from my past, let go of what I've held on to for so long, and to cry my anger and frustration out and let it go completely.  It's not easy for me, and I've been struggling with it for a couple of weeks the entire summer, if I want to be honest.  But when I think of things in terms of "God," I can't help but learn to forgive.


On June 13, 1999 I gave my life to Christ, alongside my brother, Ben.  On that day, He forgave me for my past, present, and future sins.  


In Psalm 103: 11-12 it says: 
For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

GOD DOESN'T REMEMBER MY SIN!!!! So why in the world should I remember every wrong that someone had against me? I shouldn't! DUH!!! That's easier said than done...but God commands us to love one another. Do you know what love is??

1 Corinthians 13:4-8:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Love doesn't keep record of wrongs. Ya know? The more I read this verse, the more I see I need a lot of help! I have to start somewhere though. I'm going to start with cleaning out the past. Forgiving others. Letting things go. Starting over. Everyone deserves another chance. Will you give me one?

I know that I feel like chaos inside, but I also know that God has given me peace. I'm looking forward to the exciting doors that God is opening up for Tyler and I. I hope that we can grow more in Christ individually and as a couple. We have to start somewhere.

As I come to a close, I just need to pray. So pray with me, and please pray for me. I appreciate it.

God,
I love you, and I'm learning that you're speaking to me in ways that I could never have imagined. God, I just poured my heart out to these people who read this blog, and part of that is breaking down my pride. Sometimes it's really hard for me to admit that I'm wrong because I am a prideful person. I am wrong. I've been wrong for a long time. Lord, I pray that you'll help me become a more loving person; someone who will quit tallying wrongs; someone who will learn to open her heart to someone who just needs to be loved. God, I pray that you'll help me as I start sorting through my past, that you'll help me learn to forgive people who've hurt me and to toss those things out, as far as the east is from the west. You are a God of all things. I'm not living for anyone else, but You. Help me to please You, so that you'll say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." Thank you for the many blessings you've given me. I love you.
As You Wish.

Can I Please Just Be Whelmed???

I'm sure in some dictionary, if you look up the word "wife" you will find the definition as: jack of all trades.  I'm definitely feeling it this week.  Tonight especially.  It's be a whirlwind of a week, and I'm thankful that it's almost Friday.


Writing is a stress reliever.  It always has been.  That's why I've kept a journal.  I walked in the door and felt stressed this evening.  I saw everything that needed to be done:  laundry, cooking, cleaning, my online class, my other homework...it's just crazy.  But the laundry is half done, my pizza was easy to make, Tyler helped clean up, and I should be starting on homework soon.  Good thing I don't have class on Fridays!! 


Supper Update:  My supper menu has been AWESOME.  It's one less thing that I have to think about when I get home from work or class.  I just come home and start right in on making it.  However, I forgot one minor detail. You see, I like to make casseroles a lot, but there's only 2 of us.  We can't eat a whole casserole in one night, and I didn't figure in leftovers.  That's a good problem to have, though!!  So my next time to write my supper menu, I'll have a couple extra meals on there that I won't have to buy!! Yay for saving money!!  Oh, and if you're facebook friends with me, check out the awesome pizza I made tonight! I posted a picture of it. It's the best one yet!!


School update:  I LOVE my marketing class so far.  I only took 1 undergrad marketing class, but I loved it too.  I was sad I couldn't take any more of those classes.  My professor said today in class that Accounting students don't like marketing because a lot of it isn't cold, hard facts or number crunching.  I think that's exactly why I like it.  It's something other that numbers.  Also, it seems to come easy to me...kinda second nature.  Maybe that will be my concentration??


I'm taking a Management Information Systems class and it's really laid back.  So laid back that we get to pick when we take the exams.  They're all currently available to us so I could literally take them all right now.  I'm not sure I'm going to like that, because I think that's asking for procrastination.  I HATE procrastinating.  I like to get things done.  I think I'm just going to have to make my own schedule and stick to it!


Then there's my online Finance class.  Talk about motivation!!  I need some right now!  It's going to be a lot of work...and I'm not really supposed to be in this class my first semester as a grad student...but I am because I was an accounting undergrad. Yay....uh, not so much.  We'll see how it goes.  I can do it, because God will give me the motivation I need.


Job update:  I started on Monday, and so far I really like it.  I'm trying to help them get caught up on their Accounts Payable (AP) right now.  It was confusing at first because I'm learning a whole new accounting system, but it gets monotonous real fast.  No big, I like data input. :]  The people are nice, but intimidating because I work with all the big wigs!! One of these days, when I get to know them better, it will be a fun time!  Until then, I need to prove myself. :]


So life is overwhelming me at this moment, but I think it's only because I'm doing a lot of new things.  It will hopefully slow down, and eventually I'll get caught up on everything.  Well, we can hope at least.  For now, it's back to studying!!


Oh, one last thing that I've been learning: God is always in control.  He knows exactly what He's doing.  He always gives us what we need, not necessarily what we want but what we need. His plan is ALWAYS the best!!! Trust in Him!!

Oh the Places You Will Go

I am excited for the opportunities that Tyler and I have in the near future.  Last Sunday, we were back at Northside.  Let me just go on a rant here...Northside is fantastic!  We love it there!  We feel very welcomed and comfortable there.  I know that if Tyler and I stay in Springfield for a long period of time, we will transfer our membership there.  We will see where God takes us.  Anyway, we were sitting there in church, listening to the announcements and this Ignite thing is coming up.  When we figured out that it's training for ministry positions in the church, we immediately thought it was a fantastic idea for us to attend.

Tyler cannot wait to get back to playing drums.  I'm excited about the enthusiasm he has and really hopes that he will be able to do what he loves for the Lord.  I am undecided on where I want to serve.  There isn't one position or ministry that is just yelling at me to get involved with it.  I'm going to go on that Sunday and see what the different sessions are on and hopefully God will lead me to where He would like me to serve.  I WANT to get involved.  I WANT to serve my Jesus.  I just don't know where.  I guess we will find out.

Another thing that's exciting for us is that small group sign ups with Northside is starting on Sunday.  We both have talked about and decided to get involved in a young married couple's group.  We want to be able to meet other young couples and be able to find friends who are dealing with some of the same things in our lives.   I am incredibly excited about this opportunity and cannot wait to see who is teaching the groups and who will be in them. 

I am just loving married life and the opportunities that we have as a couple.  I no longer have to do things by myself, but with my best friend by my side.  I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. :]

Oh Dear, What Do We Eat??

We are still trying to get our apartment together.  My mom is going to come help me decorate on  Sunday when she's in town moving both of my brothers in their houses.  I'm very excited because my mom has the creative touch that I didn't get. Boo.  Oh well, I'm very blessed to have her!


So while I'm trying to get the apartment organized, I'm also trying to get our lives organized.  School starts back on Monday. I can't believe it.  The summer is gone, we're already married, and school is about to start.  Holy cow!!  Anyway, this week has been about getting organized (as if I haven't said that enough in this paragraph).  I start my new job next Monday as well.  So today I was thinking about how everything is about to change.


These past two weeks, we've kinda just figured out something to eat around this place.  We have sandwich stuff, and some other odds and ends.  Well today Tyler asked me what was for lunch.  I went to the pantry and couldn't figure anything out.  I had some things for one dish, but not everything.  I had some other things for another dish, but still not everything.  So I went to the freezer.  We buy the Tortino's Party Pizzas.  They're super cheap when we use our coupons, and I keep them in the freezer for times like today, when we don't really have anything to eat.


I decided that with me starting my job and starting graduate school, and Tyler is working at the Bookstore on campus as well as taking a full load of classes this semester, that it was time to organize our meals.  I started with two blank pieces of paper and one of my recipe books.  On one paper, I started writing all the meals down that I've made in the past two years and that I know we both will eat.  

Then, on the other piece of paper, I wrote down the dates and what we would be eating on those nights.

I had to text my mom for advice.  I wanted to make sure that I could make some of these casseroles and stick them in the refrigerator and not bake them until I got out of class.  I think she was excited that I asked her.  I wanted to make sure, and then she reminded me of the crockpot she got me.  So now I need to look up some crockpot meal recipes.  Those would be super easy to use, especially when some nights all I will want to do is come home and sit down for a bit.


Anyway, back to this schedule.  After I wrote it all down, I actually was annoyed with how sloppy it looked, so I make a much neater copy to put on the fridge (although, it's not completely finished yet).

From there, I will write out my grocery list, so I know what I would need for each of the meals.  Whenever the grocery list is finished, I can start looking for coupons/promotions for my items that I need.  Then I'll be all stocked up on groceries for the next two weeks and I won't have to wonder what the heck is in my pantry. :]


We're gonna see how well this will work for us and if it works well, then I'll start making it a part of my weekly routine.

Mayo: A Simple Thing

Oh man.  We are back from our amazing honeymoon in Mexico and I have been a cleaning maniac for the past 3 days.  On Monday, we went to my parent's house to open wedding gifts, and our guests were incredibly nice to us.  We have been blessed by them.  However, the down side to that is that our apartment is still a complete and total disaster.  I used to say "It looks like a tornado went through here!"  But in light of the Joplin events a couple months ago, I can't say that anymore.  I now know what a tornado aftermath really looks like.  My apartment doesn't even compare.


I'm getting a sneak peak at what it's like to be a wife.  I've been doing laundry since we've gotten home.  I'm taking care of Tyler because he's still sick, and I had to go to the store and buy groceries for the BOTH of us.  I'm not used to that.  I now have to think, "Now, would Tyler like to eat this?"  It's kinda strange, but I'll get used to it.  I thought that we'd eat sandwiches for lunch today.  They're easy and I'm still in cleaning mode.  I don't like mayo on anything.  I think it's disgusting.  But guess who wasn't thinking ahead?  Yep, me.  I didn't even think to buy mayo so that Tyler could have it on his sandwich.  Oops.  I hope he'll forgive me.


Anyway, I think my lunch break is over.  I only have 2 more loads of laundry and only 1 or 2 more piles to sort through and put away.  I'm hoping to start decorating our cute, little apartment tonight!  We'll see.