I've really struggled with the why part of why we're here.
Before we moved, I shared my feelings on moving.
But all along we've trusted that this has been God's plan for us.
In the past year that we've lived here, I've been:
I have had many emotions while here.
I'm sure I've had these emotions while in college as well, I just didn't document them for all the world to read.
You know that saying, "What goes up must come down?"
Yep...that's been my life for the past year.
I feel as if all is going well, then all of a sudden I'm in a valley.
In those valleys, I always wanted to move back to Springfield.
Back to our "home."
See, to get to where my parents live, we have to drive through Springfield.
Each time we drove past, my heart ached to be there.
It felt as if a piece of my heart broke each time we went by.
I wanted to drive the familiar streets and call it home.
Oh, and did I mention that both of my brothers go to school there?
Springfield is where Tyler and I met.
It holds so many dear memories.
So, of course I would want to move back.
We've tried a couple of times to get jobs there and move back.
But for some strange reason, God has shut that door.
Just recently, I was trying to sort through all of my emotions.
I wanted to be a realist about it all, rather than a dreamer.
A few weeks ago, I may have written that I was okay with visiting Springfield.
That my heart didn't hurt...and I was content with just visiting.
Through other people, God has shown me why living in St. Louis is okay:
1. The people we were friends with in college have moved on...
...it doesn't matter whether they moved to a different city or have just in general moved on with their life. Other than a few that we went to church with, there's not many people left.
2. We couldn't find a good paying job there to save our life...
...while we were both in agreement about taking a slight pay cut to move back to Springfield, we couldn't even find jobs that would supply our needs! We've lived frugally before (when I was unemployed), so I knew we could cut things out that we didn't need, but when the job was barely meeting those needs, we knew that we should stay with our comfy lifestyle in St. Louis. That may sound very egotistical and I don't mean for it to, but God was showing us that He blessed us with jobs here.
3. We started going to the Saturday night service at church with some people in our small group...
...against my "traditional" ways, we now go to church on Saturday evenings. This has been so great for us! We have gone out with our friends several nights after church to eat and fellowship with each other. It has helped me feel like I'm not totally alone here and has helped combat the homesickness.
So even in the midst of trial, bad attitudes, and a grieving heart, God was showing us His plan.
He revealed to me recently some other reasons we're here in St. Louis:
- Tyler's grandpa just passed away. Living here meant we were only about 80 miles from his grandparents, so we've gotten to see them more often than if we lived in Springfield (about 4.5 hours from them). That in itself is and was a blessing.
- My aunt was recently diagnosed with cancer, and the doctor she chose for her treatment is here in STL. We've gotten the chance to eat supper with her and my uncle a couple of different times while they've been here. I count that as a blessing as well (not that she has cancer...just that we're close by).
As you can see, it's been a rough journey for me to get to this spot.
That's okay...God didn't say life was going to be easy.
He's taught me a lot about myself along the way.
The other night I had a dream...I dreamed that Tyler had gotten a job in Springfield, and we were telling our family and friends we were moving. Someone asked me if I was excited to be moving back, and I got teary-eyed and said that I was a little sad, because our small group (our friends) has been so great and I would miss them so much.
I've thought a lot about that dream this week.
And last night as we gathered in a home with our small group, I felt a sense of peace.
I may talk a lot in group...giving them more details than they want to know and making that story longer than it should be...but they accept me no matter what.
And I knew that everything is going to be alright.