A while back, my mom and I were talking on the phone as I was coming home from work. That seems to be our routine...I call her everyday at 5:00 pm while I drive the 35 minutes home.
We were talking about different things in my life, and it got mentioned that I don't trust people. That got me thinking...
It's true. I don't.
You can ask my husband...I didn't warm up to him for a long time. It took me at least a year of dating for him to see who I really was, and even now I have a hard time opening up to him sometimes.
As we were talking, my mom knew exactly why I don't trust people. Every close friend I have ever had has hurt me. So I close myself off to others.
Sure, I'll talk with them, tell them things they want to know, and try to get to know them.
But I build a wall.
A wall that is high enough to protect me from getting hurt, but it is also low enough that it lets me talk over it, so it will seem like you're getting to know me.
Sometimes I feel like I'm that way with God. That I build a wall between us because I don't fully trust Him. At the same time, I'm trying to get to know Him by talking with Him and reading His Word. But there's still a disconnect between us sometimes.
I'm too much of a "me-do-it" girl, that I tend to do life on my own. Before long, I'm discouraged and depressed.
Notice the verse says "Trust in the lord with all your heart," not just part of it. ALL of it. And it also says, "Do not lean on your own understanding." So much harder to do than it is to say. Being flesh, I want to be the one who conducts my life. But I can't. God is the ultimate conductor.
Without Him in the driver's seat, life gets messy. I am miserable when I try to do it on my own. But with Him, the pieces of the puzzle of life fall into place, as I sit back in awe of how He does it.
Is God in your driver's seat or have you built a wall that needs to come tumbling down?
Hey there sweet friend,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all you do that too?!? I call my mom everyday on the way home to talk, but my commute id only about 15 minutes. But I wouldn't have it any other way, I feel like it keeps us connected (especially with us living so far apart)
Also thank you for being so honest in this post, I feel like this describes me to a T. I have had far too many close friends that have stomped on my heart and I have a really tough time really opening up and honestly I hadn't ever looks to examine my heart and my relationship with Christ but it's a scary thought to think I am trying to block my heart off from Him. Thank you for the thought provoker.