Wednesday, January 30, 2013

I'm Letting Go

Life isn't rainbows all the time..
which is probably my main reason for lack of posting.
I just haven't felt anything worthy of sharing lately.

But maybe it's time to be honest.
I mean, I want to share my journey 
with you, and I want to be transparent
but I don't want it to get to the point where
all I do is whine and complain...
because who really wants to read that?

But this is my space,
and I do want to be honest.
So if you don't want to listen to my long-drawn out story,
then I give you permission to back out now...

Call it the winter-blahs
or maybe I've hosted a month-long 
pity party of one.
Could be a little of former and a lot of the latter.

Last year at this time,
I was jobless {by choice} and living in a city
I hated while my husband trained for 3 months at his Corporate HQ.
I had high hopes for what our life would be like when we finally got to St. Louis.
Let me tell you, it is absolutely nothing like I had planned.

Huh.
Imagine that.

When we moved here last March,
Tyler and I started searching immediately for a church that we could get involved with.
We thought we had found one.
It was big, had great worship, and the Bible was taught.
Tyler got involved {fairly quickly} with the worship band and we thought all would be well.

In May, I was really homesick.
I hadn't found a job yet, didn't go anywhere during the day, and tried to be a good wife when my husband came home from work each night, but in reality I was cranky from lack of people interaction.

We tried to get more involved in our church, but had no opportunities to meet people until the Fall semester started.
We waited.
Fairly patiently, especially for me {I'm not a very patient person}.
Finally, September was here and we went to the first small group meeting.
It was great!
The people in that group are truly amazing.

But we knew all of 12 people from that church of 3,000.
Believe me, seeing 12 people once a week is awesome...
But ya gotta know something about me...
I'm a people-person.
I'm an extrovert and therefore fuel myself from interacting with people.
I also want to feel like my church is my family.
My home away from home.
We are the Body of Christ...we need to be there for one another.
But I've seen people walk into a church just to keep the status...
It has been a tough journey.

Back to the story...
In late November I had been feeling like maybe this wasn't the church for us.
It wasn't until early December that Tyler admitted that to me.
We had an important decision to make.
So we decided to hop back into shopping around.
This last month has been a huge struggle for me.

I decided for some reason that the best thing
to do would be to host a pity party.
Only one person was invited.
Me.

Can we say selfish much??

I cried many tears...
Sometimes for no reason,
but in reality they had many reasons.
And I will probably cry many more.

We're still looking...
and I hate that so much.
I just want to be able to find a "home."
I know that God has us here for a reason...
...for some reason unbeknownst to me.
But in His time {not mine}, it will be revealed to us.

In this month of pity,
I have been some-what mad at God.
But why?
He has blessed me so much!
Even in the circumstances that we're in, He has blessed us.
I have allowed that pity to cloud my eyes.
And not only my eyes, but my heart as well.

I've heard Jennifer Rothschild speak several times.
She has this saying that just keeps coming back to me,
"It can be well with your soul even if it's not with your circumstance."
I think that's what really woke me up this week.

My soul hasn't been well.
And it can be, even while my circumstances suck.
{And I pray that they won't suck for much longer...}
I have really struggled to hand it all over to God, because I have this control issue.
But I've been working on that this week.

Francesca Battistelli is one of my favorite Christian singers.
I put one of her CD's in this week and have listened to it while driving to work,
but for the first time really heard the words that were being sung in this song.


I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
I’m losing control
Of my destiny
It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go

So, while I'm praying for relationships and friends,
I'm working on being content where I am.
Because if I'm honest with myself,
God really worked out the plans for us here.
I'm letting my plans go, and letting His plans take over.
Because His plans are always best.

I've had my eyes opened...
but to be totally honest, I'm still struggling a little.
It's a slow process for me.
I'm praying for contentment, because God has shown us that this is where we are to be right now.
I'm praying for Christ-centered relationships.
I'm praying that this will feel like "home" to us soon.

I say all these things,
not for you to feel sorry for me.
Please, don't even think about that.
I say this because this is where I am.
Broken.
and transparent, even when I don't want to be.
And I know the only way out of this is through putting it all in God's hands.
If you think about it, would you pray that we might be able to find a church that we can call home?

3 comments:

  1. Praying for you and Tyler! I'm not sure if you got my comment last week on instagram but please know you are always welcome at our church. We do not have Sunday School but because we are so small, it is easy to meet people and we are truly like a family. There are not too many people our age but i have found that being surrounded by women who have walked with God longer than me have passed along wisdom I wouldn't have received otherwise. And most importantly God's Word is preached :).
    Love you guys! We'll have to have you over again soon. Next Friday, perhaps?

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  2. Beth,
    I cannot thank you enough for being so transparent and honest, even amidst the struggle. I know EXACTLY how you feel 110% and then some. Long story short, my husband and i met 3 1/2 years ago and after 6 months of dating I moved from Cali to Arizona to be closer to him and lived there for 2 years, and almost a year later we found a church to call home. we found an amazing church with amazing people and I jumped in, serving wherever I could, but the gals I did small group with weren't the arms opened wide lets have a coffee date kind of group, and after a year of not having any friends, it really got to me quick and I distanced myself and shortly after my now husband I had a falling out and I moved back home to Cali. None of my friends were the same and neither was I.. fast forward to 1 month later my husband and I had gotten back together and continued to work on our relationship, 4 months later we we're engaged, and then 3 months later his family and himself moved from AZ to SD ..Fast forward we have been here in the San Diego area for a 1 yr and a few months and we have been to a church or two that we have thought would be our home, but turned out not to be...and for the first full year I jumped open heart and arms at every church we found longing to connect with other people, other gals, other married gals, other couples, etc. I am a HUGE people person and extrovert as well and a born optimist, and well just a week or two ago it finally crashed. We had gone to another church ( we have gone to at least 6-8 churches now) and halfway through my husband and I both knew it wasn't the place for us, I was so heartbroken at the realization that right there halfway through the service, I became so bitter and told my husband that we were going, I was so upset. I didn't even want to talk about it for hours. And when I finally did, I just cried. I cried because I was mad,bitter, confused, heartbroken, and discouraged. I even began to question if I had personally done something to deserve this..it's amazing the lies satan will tell you when your vulnerable. And we'll I wish I could tell you ta da we found an awesome church to call home, but as of today Jan. 30, 2013 we have not. BUT I know we will. When I finally let go and admitted my true heart of the matter, God took the pieces and is putting them back together piece by piece, just know how much he loves us and that even through this time, you and I both know he is ALWAYS faithful. I know it's hard, but it will so be worth it.We just have to keep giving it up to him, being productive and patient as we're in the waiting room :) I am praying hard for you guys, I know how your heart is feeling and I wish I could give you a hug. Let's be thankful that joy is never based on circumstance :)

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  3. Beth,

    I hope that maybe someday soon you and Tyler can travel our way again and stay with us in our new house. I think you would love it as much as I already to, even though we haven't moved in it yet! We could take a trip up to the mountains, or to the beach, either one is a very reasonable drive! I would love for you two to visit our church (not that you would be able to continuously attend there... although that wouldn't be a bad idea either ;)) While our congregation is very small, we are all close knit, and believe me, we all know a lot about each other - and I am continuing to learn about all of them. Almost all of the members have been with the church since it started, and if not, for many many years. I have a family and a home when I walk into our church, and I know that you would experience the same thing the first time you walk into the doors, as I did the very first time Jason brought me to church with him. That is my favorite thing about our church. I know that this may not help your situation a whole lot, seeing that my church is so far away from you, (but remember, you can move any time lol) but i want you to remember that there IS a church somewhere nearby that IS exactly what you are needing. I know that there is at least one church like that in any town. In Lamar, obviously it was Lamar Christian. St. Louis is much bigger than Lamar, so it will take some more searching. I know that you will find it, but only in God's time. (I had to learn that with the house shopping... we have been looking since August/September, we've looked at probably over 30 homes and even more online, made offers on 3 - not including this one, and nothing worked out until we found this house - and just in the nick of time too as our lease is about up!) I have had to learn patience, and I believe that God might just be teaching you the same thing! Jason and I will be praying for you, and looking forward to the next time you visit!

    LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU!!!!!
    Mackenzie

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