I'm Letting Go

Life isn't rainbows all the time..

which is probably my main reason for lack of posting.

I just haven't felt anything worthy of sharing lately.

But maybe it's time to be honest.

I mean, I want to share my journey 

with you, and I want to be transparent

but I don't want it to get to the point where

all I do is whine and complain...

because who really wants to read that?

But this is my space,

and I do want to be honest.

So if you don't want to listen to my long-drawn out story,

then I give you permission to back out now...

Call it the winter-blahs

or maybe I've hosted a month-long 

pity party of one.

Could be a little of former and a lot of the latter.

Last year at this time,

I was jobless {by choice} and living in a city

I hated while my husband trained for 3 months at his Corporate HQ.

I had high hopes for what our life would be like when we finally got to St. Louis.

Let me tell you, it is absolutely nothing like I had planned.

Huh.

Imagine that.

When we moved here last March,

Tyler and I started searching immediately for a church that we could get involved with.

We thought we had found one.

It was big, had great worship, and the Bible was taught.

Tyler got involved {fairly quickly} with the worship band and we thought all would be well.

In May, I was really homesick.

I hadn't found a job yet, didn't go anywhere during the day, and tried to be a good wife when my husband came home from work each night, but in reality I was cranky from lack of people interaction.

We tried to get more involved in our church, but had no opportunities to meet people until the Fall semester started.

We waited.

Fairly patiently, especially for me {I'm not a very patient person}.

Finally, September was here and we went to the first small group meeting.

It was great!

The people in that group are truly amazing.

But we knew all of 12 people from that church of 3,000.

Believe me, seeing 12 people once a week is awesome...

But ya gotta know something about me...

I'm a people-person.

I'm an extrovert and therefore fuel myself from interacting with people.

I also want to feel like my church is my family.

My home away from home.

We are the Body of Christ...we need to be there for one another.

But I've seen people walk into a church just to keep the status...

It has been a tough journey.

Back to the story...

In late November I had been feeling like maybe this wasn't the church for us.

It wasn't until early December that Tyler admitted that to me.

We had an important decision to make.

So we decided to hop back into shopping around.

This last month has been a huge struggle for me.

I decided for some reason that the best thing

to do would be to host a pity party.

Only one person was invited.

Me.

Can we say selfish much??

I cried many tears...

Sometimes for no reason,

but in reality they had many reasons.

And I will probably cry many more.

We're still looking...

and I hate that so much.

I just want to be able to find a "home."

I know that God has us here for a reason...

...for some reason unbeknownst to me.

But in His time {not mine}, it will be revealed to us.

In this month of pity,

I have been some-what mad at God.

But why?

He has blessed me so much!

Even in the circumstances that we're in, He has blessed us.

I have allowed that pity to cloud my eyes.

And not only my eyes, but my heart as well.

I've heard Jennifer Rothschild speak several times.

She has this saying that just keeps coming back to me,

"It can be well with your soul even if it's not with your circumstance."

I think that's what really woke me up this week.

My soul hasn't been well.

And it can be, even while my circumstances suck.

{And I pray that they won't suck for much longer...}

I have really struggled to hand it all over to God, because I have this control issue.

But I've been working on that this week.

Francesca Battistelli is one of my favorite Christian singers.

I put one of her CD's in this week and have listened to it while driving to work,

but for the first time really heard the words that were being sung in this song.

I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
I’m losing control
Of my destiny
It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go

So, while I'm praying for relationships and friends,

I'm working on being content where I am.

Because if I'm honest with myself,

God really worked out the plans for us here.
I'm letting my plans go, and letting His plans take over.

Because His plans are always best.

I've had my eyes opened...

but to be totally honest, I'm still struggling a little.

It's a slow process for me.

I'm praying for contentment, because God has shown us that this is where we are to be right now.

I'm praying for Christ-centered relationships.

I'm praying that this will feel like "home" to us soon.

I say all these things,

not for you to feel sorry for me.

Please, don't even think about that.

I say this because this is where I am.

Broken.

and transparent, even when I don't want to be.

And I know the only way out of this is through putting it all in God's hands.

If you think about it, would you pray that we might be able to find a church that we can call home?