A Shift in Winds

Before I was a mom, I had several hobbies I liked to do. I enjoyed writing, reading, and crafts. Then health and fitness entered my life, and I became consumed by that world...honestly, it wasn't a bad thing, because it did become a passion of mine. I have learned how to help myself in my diagnoses. But somewhere along the way, I just became wrapped up in that world.

Then I became a mom and life hasn't been the same. I still love doing those things, but it's been difficult to juggle any of those things while raising an active little boy. However, I did learn how to listen to audiobooks while driving and taking walks. So I'm hoping that I can continue to squeeze my other hobbies in as well.

This past winter, I put my coaching business aside and focused on myself. But I was fatigued after doing the simplest of tasks. It was all I could do to make lunch and then sit on the couch for two hours afterward while Henry took a nap. So I went to the doctor and in May I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's, an autoimmune disease of the thyroid.

It's now almost September and I am just now starting to feel like myself once again. It seems that every September, I desire some sort of shift in my life. And here I am. I'm still not coaching full-time (and 100% okay with that), and I'm trying to figure out what I can do. I want to write...I know I used to blog every day, and I haven't sat down to write in forever. I want to craft. I bought a Cricut last year on Black Friday and while I've used it some, I want to learn how to use it more.

So...how does one find time to do all the things she wants to do? HA! I know my number one priority in this season is my family. But if I can find time to do the other things, too, I would love that. If I do continue to blog here, what should I write about? I often feel like I have nothing to share. If I craft, what do I make? I'm sure time will tell and I will come up with things to write about and to make.

But if you're a mama, how did you find time to do something for yourself each day? Even if it was only for an hour?

Growth in Motherhood

 

We are doing a study on the pressures that moms face in my Mom’s Connection group. And to be honest, I didn’t feel any of those pressures in the way they were meant. So I was really struggling with the study. I don’t say that to sound conceited...because believe me, I have so many other issues. 😂 But as I was digging, I found that I do feel some pressure.

I have a self-imposed pressure to do it all, meaning I feel that pressure from myself, not an outside influence. But I don’t mean do all the things and have all the roles. I just mean that I feel like I have to be mom to Henry all of the time and I am not supposed to ask for help.

I feel that it is my job to be mom (it is), and the only person I can ask for help from is my husband. 😬 But allow me to give some background.

In 2011, we were married. Tyler finished school and just a few short months later landed a job that took us to OKC for 3 months, and then onto STL for 4 years. He then moved positions which moved us back to OKC for another 4.5 years. The closest we’ve been to our family was 3 hours, but for the majority of our marriage we’ve lived 5 hours away. Short enough to visit frequently, but not short enough to ask them for help when I desperately needed it (flood of 2015, flood of 2019, postpartum depression/newborn life, pandemic, etc).

I had to learn to do things myself. I was already independent, so this wasn’t difficult for me. But when we moved back to OKC in 2016, the Lord has impressed upon me the idea that community was important. It is. He created us for community. I was just learning this and leaning into it when March 2020 hit. Then we were isolated even more than we already were.

When we moved back home to Missouri, I recognized that I struggled with this, as my husband has lovingly pointed out. He has texted my mom numerous times to ask for her help, but I struggle with it. I just feel like since Henry is my son, I need to be in charge of him.

I often worry that he is way too much to handle for others who aren’t used to him. He is always on the go until he lays down for the night. I always have to keep an eye on him because he is always getting into things he shouldn’t be. But the Lord gave me a picture this week.

The reason why I struggled with Granny’s death so hard? Because I loved her and she loved me. I loved going to her house and she loved having me there. Despite my Grandpa’s, “Beth Elaine, quit blowing bubbles in your milk,” instructions in his stern voice, they did love me (and my brothers). And I want that for Henry.

So I have to allow people to help me. Henry is a joy, and when others get to experience his joy, it’s the best for everyone. Henry will know his grandparents and his grandparents will know him. It’s okay to ask for help. Because when we do, and we can get away for even just a couple of hours, we feel refreshed. At least I do.

We were made for community...and the blessing is that others can help us. But we also get to be a blessing to others as well. I am still learning these important lessons the Lord has taught me, as it filters into motherhood. I want to lean into Him and draw from His strength when I feel weak. I want to allow Him to speak life into me. I want Him to continue teaching me, but I want to be moldable so that He can grow me in the likeness of Christ.

Our Mom’s Connection coordinator said this yesterday, “As my child grows through these stages, I have to grow, too.” I was blessed by that. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m in a constant state of growth. Growth is painful and difficult, but it’s worth it. It’s for my good and His glory.

2021: Connect

2020 showed us all a lot of things.  One of the things it showed our family was the importance of family and how being closer to them would be a good thing. So we moved.

When I was planning my wedding, I joined this community on The Knot. There were too many trolls, and Instagram was new, so we moved over there. A couple years later, I found a group of blogging women when I joined the blogging world. I wanted to share what I was learning as a young wife, and I wanted to connect with others.  But I was challenged one year to pick "one little word." I have loved doing this year after year, and I've tried to share below what each of my words word for the year. I think I missed a few years of writing about them, but they have been transformative for me. Now, most people have moved on from blogging, but I've picked it back up, simply because writing is cathartic for me, and I'm really starting to hate facebook.

2013: Grace

2014: Be

2015: Brave

2016: Trust

2017: Abide

2018: Release

2019: Surrender

2020: Rooted

As I started thinking about a word for the new year, I kept thinking of how much I needed a social media break. So I took it. I jumped back into Instagram (slowly), but haven't really made my way back to Facebook yet. During my break, I realized just how often I took pictures to post or share. I realized how often I look to others for acceptance or affirmation. I realized how little I knew some of the people I was following. I realized how often I picked up my phone.

This year, I want it to be about connection. I want to truly know the people I surround myself with and those I follow on social media. I want to connect with others without someone thinking I have an ulterior motive. I want to live more outside the world wide web. I want to connect with my family. I want to connect with the Lord.

So for 2021, I choose CONNECT as my word. What is your word?

2020: A Year in Review

It's the week between Christmas and New Years...the week that no one knows what day it is and what you're supposed to be doing. It's actually one of my very favorite weeks of the year. Weird, right? It's the week that I get to slow down to reflect on the year and look toward the new year. I love it. I don't have to think about Christmas presents or gatherings. We don't have to travel. We get to stay home and gear up for a new year.

It's the week that I try to sit down and think about the goals I want to set for myself. I'm not really one for New Year's Resolutions, but maybe it's the same thing. I don't know. I pray over a word for the year to focus on and I try to narrow it down by the first. I write out my goals, and I get ready to bring in a fresh new year. And I am fervently praying that 2021 will be a good year for everyone.

2020 wasn't a horrible year, but it wasn't a super amazing year.  It started out, for me, recognizing that I had postpartum depression. I made the decision to be fully weaned from my breast pump by the first of the year, and as hard as it was at the time to make that decision, it was the best decision for me.  Here I am a year later and I truly understand that it takes about a year after breastfeeding stops to fully feel like yourself again.

March came, and I was fully planning on spending a "Spring Break" at my parents' house. My husband was supposed to be traveling for work, so I was going to spend the 8 or 9 days with my mom and dad so that I could have a little bit of help with Henry.  Well, we all know that March is when the world came to a halt.  It was weird. My husband came home from work one day and never went back...which was the biggest blessing that we didn't know about until months later.

It was difficult being a mom with an infant and not being able to get out of the house. I try to get out of the house at least once a week so that I can feel somewhat "normal." I need it. But when the virus was brand new and no one knew much of anything, it was scary to think about going out with an infant. So we stayed home.

The summer came, and my husband proposed an idea to me in late June or early July. His new position at work was a permanent "work from home" position. That meant he could literally work from anywhere as long as he had internet. So while we always dreamed we would eventually move back to Springfield if we could, we made the decision to move to Joplin instead.

That was the best decision for our family, and I will never not be emotional over it. I needed it. I needed to be closer to my family. I needed to know that if I needed help with Henry, I could have it at a moments notice.  It was a huge answer to prayer...a prayer that I've prayed for many, many years. The one thing that sucks most about becoming an adult is that you come to understand the fragility of life more. At least, that is what has been on my mind since 2015. This year, it's definitely been at the forefront of my mind.

And here we are...the end of 2020. More than anything, I pray this next year will be a year that continues to bring me closer to Jesus. If I don't hit a single goal...I just want to have a closer relationship with Jesus. That's all that matters. I pray that, you too, will have a closer relationship with Him this year. <3 

Pivot

When I commit to something, I go all in.  I want to see it through, and I want to see it succeed. Whatever it is. But I can get caught up in that...and when something isn't working, I have a hard time letting it go. I want things to be perfect. If it's not working, I want to fix it so it will work.  But sometimes things are only in our lives for a season. Making decisions of what things stay and which go is the hard part.

The Lord has really been whispering to me over the last few months. I say whispering because I always pray for Him to give me a flashing neon sign. Sometimes I have a difficult time figuring out if something is from Him or if it's my own selfish desire. I need Him to be very clear. But this time, His whispers have had me questioning everything.

The year 2020 brought a major change of moving closer to our family. I don't want to squander any opportunity that I have to hang out with them. I don't want to have to say "no" to them because of some silly obligation. With our move came a brand new church. And while we haven't quite settled in yet, we have been enjoying the weekly teachings. Boy, have they challenged me. They aren't messages that I can just leave at church on Sunday, but ones that have brought thought and questions to my life through the week. So while I continue to chew on each of them, I have some of my own questions.

What does He have for me?
What things does He want me to make a priority?
Where am I called in this season of motherhood?
What things can I let go of?

Letting go is hard for me, as I mentioned. But I want to live a life of surrender...instead of grasping something with white knuckles, I want to have open hands. After all, the only titles and positions I'm filling are because the Lord has given them to me.  He brought this idea of a pivot into my mind. The word "pivot" means to modify while retaining some continuity according to dictionary.com. While I am continuing to move forward with my life, some things definitely need to be modified. And as we head into the New Year, I need to make some decisions. I need to pivot directions while staying grounded in the One whose foundation I stand on.

What will stay?

What will go?

What about you? Do you have things that you need to let go of? Do you have things you need to make a priority? How do you go about figuring those things out?